At long last, Lizzie was able to corner Jane for some healthy soul-baring sister talk. Plus
cupcakes, because sister talks.
“So this thing happened, Jane…”
“Thing?” Jane munches a cupcake, “What sort of thing?”
“Darcy proposed in a really insulting way, so I refused him”
“Mmrph!” Jane spewed cupcake crumbs over the bedspread. “What?”
“He must feel so bad! Poor man, to confess his feelings in such an unappealing way…”
“What’s worse, is that he wrote me a letter to explain himself and it turns out that Wickham is a total toolbag because he tried to elope with Darcy’s sister, and Darcy may not be that bad of a person after all.”
“Oh goodness. I’m so glad to hear that your opinion of Darcy has changed. I knew he was good at heart! But I’m sure Wickham isn’t all that bad… he’s always very nice. I’m sure there has been some misunderstanding. I know that he’s very kind to animals. He can’t be that bad of a person, can he?”
Lizzie takes a dab of cupcake frosting on her finger.
“Jane, you can’t make them both good. Between the two of them there is only enough goodness for one person, and I’m inclined to believe that person is Mr. Darcy.”
She boops Jane on the nose. Disgruntled, Jane wipes the frosting off in disgust.
“Oh Lizzie-- ”
“So it turns out that one of them got all of the goodness, and the other all of the appearance of goodness.”
“Lizzie, that is unkind. You can’t have been so silly about the letter when you first read it.”
“I wasn’t because it turns out Darcy is actually a really cool guy, and because I was so wrapped up in myself I didn’t realize it. I took everything at face value and now I’m been a complete jerk to him. How I wished you were there, Jane!”
*Insert sisterly hug of comfort here*
After further cupcakes, a promise of locked lips and secrecy, and a brief pillow fight that ended in a tie, Lizzie’s heart finally felt at rest. The Darcy’s secrets had worn on her mind overmuch, and having the opportunity to confide in someone lifted Lizzie’s spirits. Even so, she could not bring herself to tell Jane the role Darcy had played in the Jangley breakup. She resolved to tell Jane of her knowledge only in the unlikely event that Jangley was reunited. No sense in distressing Jane when her sister was clearly OVER Bingley. Mrs. Bennet, however, was not.
“What do you think of this sad business of Jane’s, hmm?”
“I daresay, I’m certainly not going to speak of the matter any longer; I was just telling my sister Mrs. Philips this the other day! And everyone I’ve talked with mentioned that he’s not going to come to Netherfield in the summer. What do you say to that?”
“I do not think he will live at Netherfield any longer.”
Mrs. Bennet pursed her lips. “It is just as he chooses. Nobody wants him to come. I will always say that he has treated my Jane very poorly, and when she dies of a broken heart… then he’ll be sorry for what he has done.”
In that moment, having no idea how to respond, Lizzie had a great desire to learn how to make cricket noises.
“And so,” Mrs. Bennet continued “the Collinses live very comfortably, do they? Well. I only hope it will last. I’m sure Charlotte is an excellent manager—“
“She is indeed, Mama—“
“Well, much good may it do them. I’m sure they often talk about having Longbourne when your father is dead. They look on it as quite their own, I dare say, whenever that happens—“
“I promise, they never discussed the matter in front of me-- ”
Mrs. Bennet sniffed. “It would be very strange if they had! I have no doubt they talk about it often between themselves. Well, if they can be so easy with an estate that is not lawfully their own, so much the better. I would be positively ashamed of having an estate that was only entailed upon me. ASHAMED!”
This week's chapter was written by one of our all-time heroes, Kylie Rose. She's playing Lydia Bennet in our upcoming production.
NEXT WEEK: What Happens in Brighton, Stays In Brighton...right?? Plus, FIELD TRIP TO PEMBERLEY!!
Cupcakes for Rainy Days
Nutella Cheesecake CupcakesPrep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 4 hours, 30 minutes
Yield: 12 cupcakes
For the topping
Darcy and Colonel Fitz OUT!
No, seriously. They left. Lady Catherine was very "put out,” and required much of Mr. Collin’s attention to recover from their departure. This of course meant that inevitably Lizzie found herself at a dinner party at Lady C’s honoring the two absent gentlemen.
“I don’t think anyone could feel their absence more strongly than I! Truly, I don’t.”
Lizzie nodded supportively, as was expected, even though she was convinced that her own gratitude that Darcy and the Colonel were gone could contest Lady C’s grief.
Eagle-eyed, Lady Catherine observed Lizzie’s internal turmoil.
“You seem quite out of spirits Miss Bennet. It must be because you are leaving Rosings. Oh! You must write your parents and let them know you must stay awhile longer.”
A verbal tug of war ensued:
“Oh, Lady Catherine, thank you so much for the invitation, but I really must be home on Saturday.” Yank.
Two points to Elizabeth for her delicate refusal!
“But you have only been here six weeks and I expected you for two months. Surely your mother can spare you for a while longer. There is no good reason for you to leave now.” Gritting her teeth, Lady C stands firm and pulls furiously, much like a small but ferocious lap dog.
Four points to Lady Catherine!
Gahhh! Think Lizzie, think!
“My mother may be able to spare me, but my father cannot!” Tug.
Two points to Lizzie! It’s a tie now! Who will pull ahead?
“If your mother can spare you, your father definitely can. Daughters are never of much consequence to fathers.” Yank.
A painfully sexist point for Lady Catherine! Will she be able to keep her lead?
“Besides, if you stay for a month I will take you to London.”
The carrot dangles. Lizzie pretends to consider it.
“You really are too kind, but I believe we must abide by our original plan, Lady Catherine.”
OHHH SNAP! 3 points for Lizzie! Victory for the Bennett sister! In the tug of war power play, Lizzie reigns supreme although she is unable to leave before hearing an unholy amount of travel advice from Lady Catherine. While she certainly didn’t enjoy hearing all of the nonsense on the proper way to fold a handkerchief in a suitcase, Lizzie was grateful for the distraction. Whenever she had a moment of solitude, her mind wandered back to Darcy’s letter and his comments about her family. It was like trying to ignore a sliver in your finger. Torturous. Almost as torturous as Mr. Collins’s “goodbye breakfast” with Lizzie.
“Miss Elizabeth, I just wanted to say that we are SO grateful that you came to visit us here at Huntsford. I know it must seem very plain and dull to a young woman like yourself, but we are so grateful that you condescended to come and visit nevertheless.”
“Mr. Collins, do not worry yourself. I promise I had a wonderful time.”
“Truly.” With the exception of the awkward encounters with Mr. Darcy, but we aren’t going to discuss that.
“Oh, we are SO GLAD to hear that. Of course, our connection with Rosings is nothing to be sniffed at. I flatter myself that you will be able to bring a very favorable report of our situation here to Hertfordshire. As you have seen, Charlotte and I are so VERY happy together. One might go so far as to say we are PERFECT for each other. DESTINED for one another. Mmm. Yes. So wonderfully happy in the bosom of marital bliss.” Mr. Collins coughs discretely. “How about you, Cousin Lizzie? Still single, are you?”
Lizzie dreams of duct taping Mr. Collin’s mouth shut and locking him in one of his perfectly shelved closets.
“That is to say, I can most cordially wish you equal felicitations in marriage, Cousin Elizabeth.”
Lizzie once more expressed her sincere thanks and gave Mr. Collins and Charlotte her blessing, and with that awkward conversation over and done with, Lizzie and Maria made their way to Mr. Gardiner’s house, where they picked up Jane and from there, continued on their journey home, which, while not unpleasant, felt quite tedious to Lizzie, who longed to have a girl’s night with Jane over some Chunky Monkey ice cream to discuss Darcy’s proposal and the fact that Bingley might not be a creep after all!
After a decent chunk of visiting time with the Gardiners, the girls finally made their way to the inn where Mr. Bennett’s coach was to meet them, only to discover that Kitty and Lydia had come to meet them and were waiting in the dining room upstairs.
“LIZZIE! You’re here! Are you surprised? I bet you’re surprised. Look! Kitty and I got a new bonnet! Also, we brought you food! Are we not mature and adult-ish? Are we not nice?”
Wow, Lydia. That’s um… that’s lovely. I really—”
“Feel free to tell us we’re the best sisters ever!” Kitty chimed in.
Lydia stomped her foot. “Shut up Kitty, I’m trying to tell Lizzie about the bonnet!”
“I don’t see why you have to tell all of the stories—”
“My bonnet, my story.” Lydia stuck her tongue out at Kitty and brandished a puce bonnet that looked like vomit and defeat had joined forces to create unquestionable sadness. “Isn’t it horrifically ugly?”
As all of her sisters agreed, Lydia continued “There were more bonnets in the shop much uglier than this one, but when I’ve repurposed this one with some satin and a nice ribbon it will at least be tolerable. Even then, it’s not what we’ll be wearing in the summer because the soldiers are leaving for Brighton in a fortnight. Do you think I can convince Papa to take us there for the summer? How rotten our summer shall be if we don’t have camps full of soldiers to dance with!”
Lizzie and Jane shared a look.
“I have MORE news Lizzie. It’s about a certain gentleman we both know! Guess!”
“No. You’re not being very inventive. Try again.”
“You’re rubbish at this. It’s Mr. Wickham!”
Lizzie could feel her face draining of all color and a slight sense of panic coming over her.
Lydia looked smug. “I thought that might get your attention. Big story: he’s not going to marry Mary King. Right?!? I know what you’re thinking: THANK GOD! Another eligible bachelor for the snatching! Or to drool over. I’m telling you Lizzie, Wickham got out of a very bad situation. Mary King has SO many freckles she looks like a leopard—”
Lizzie made supportive noises of bemusement as she attempted to process this new information. With her newfound knowledge, she wouldn’t wish Wickham on anyone. It seemed a lucky escape for Miss King! But without her money, what would Wickham do next?
Lydia and Kitty talked for the entire duration of the carriage ride home. Again, a welcome distraction from her thoughts of Darcy’s letter, even though the subject matter: soldiers, dances, and Lydia’s “newfound bestie forever” Mrs. Forester were not particularly intriguing to Lizzie. Less interesting was the fact that Lydia somehow brought Wickham up at least once every hour. Not ideal when he is the exact person Lizzie was trying to avoid thinking of.
Luckily, they all made it home without any casualties. Mr. Bennett seemed quite pleased to see Lizzie, and she was pleased to discover that he was standing firm by refusing the Brighton proposal, in spite of Lydia’s best pleading face, much to the distress of Mrs. Bennet, Kitty, and especially Lydia.
The Brighton drama meant the household was chaos, as usual. To the music of Lydia and Kitty’s whining exclamations of “But PaPA!” and her mother’s declarations that her poor nerves could not possibly handle how selfish her cruel husband was, Lizzie made her way to her bedroom, strangely comforted by the madness in the next room. There really is no place like home.
This week's chapters were written by our very own Kylie Rose, who will be playing Lydia Bennet in our upcoming production!
NEXT WEEK: To Expose or Not To Expose? (Wickham, that is) and Where do all the CRAZIEST parties happen in Regency England?? Das right, BRIGHTON BABY!!!!!!
What do you do when Mr. Darcy has totally blown your mind? Go on a stress walk.
There’s nothing like country air and greenery to lift the spirits and clear the mind! Elizabeth thought to herself. Wait! What’s that behind that tree? It looks like a—man. Well as long as it’s not… nuts. It is. It’s Mr. Darcy. PERFECT. Just the person I wanted to avoid. Maybe he didn’t see me. Maybe if I hide behind this bush, he’ll go away. Maybe--
*Cue Elizabeth, attempting to nonchalantly claw her way out of a shrub*
“I have been walking in this grove for some time in the hopes of meeting you. Please do me the honor of reading this letter.”
Darcy hands her a thick envelope and abruptly stalks off.
What the what?
Curiosity tingling through her veins, Elizabeth tears open the letter with reckless abandon.
What have we here? Bitterness? Kindness? Best to cease speculation and get the overthinking over with.
Fear not. I have no plans to make you vomit by bringing up the subject that was so abhorrent to you when we last met. This letter is purely to allow me to correct your understanding of my character and see that justice runs its due course. I stand accused of two things:
SO MUCH RAGE. SO MUCH. Ice princess indeed. You know nothing of my sister, you toolbag. NOTHING! Elizabeth fumed, but curiosity compelled her to keep reading.
My further objections to their marriage include the very reasons I gave you last night; while the situation of your mother’s family is disagreeable, the total want of propriety betrayed by your mother, your three younger sisters, and even occasionally your father convinced me it was not a good match. I am sorry to offend you with these words, but you must consider that in this criticism also lies a compliment to both the elder Bennet sisters. Your grace and decorum amidst the chaos of your family render your conduct that much more exceptional. That aside, after observing your family that evening I was determined to save Binley from an unfavorable marriage. I do not regret any of the actions I have taken to this end, with the one exception of concealing your sister’s presence in London from him. That may have been a little too douche-y… But what I have done, was done for the best. I have nothing more to say and no further apologies to offer.
As for the matter with Wickham, because I have no idea what he has specifically accused me of I can only refute his statements by giving you his whole history with my family. Wickham’s father was a good man, who worked on Pemberley estates. My father was so pleased with his service, that he bestowed his kindness upon Wickham, paying for him to attend Cambridge in the hopes that Wickham would make the church his profession. When my father died, he left Wickham a legacy of one thousand pounds and expressed his desire that I should promote his advancement and grant him a family living if his profession allowed for it. Wickham’s own father died soon after my own father.
At this point, Wickham decided that rather than waiting for his inheritance, he would prefer a cash advance. He decided to study law. I hoped he was sincere, and since I was certain that he should NOT make the church his career, I granted him that request. I assumed that the matter was settled, and I wouldn’t have to worry myself with future dealings with Wickham. I did not hear from him for three years. When I did, go figure, the law ended up not being his calling and financially, he was in a bad way. However, I stood firm and told Wickham to be an adult and deal with his problems on his own.
Unfortunately, his and my definitions of dealing with an issue as an adult differ. Now I express circumstances that I would sooner forget. My own sister was left to the guardianship of Colonel Fitzwilliam and myself. A year ago she was taken from school and an establishment was formed for her in London and last summer she went with the lady who presided over it, Mrs. Younge, to Ramsgate. Wickham also went. This was all according to his evil masterplan. He spent a great deal of time with Georgiana, and Mrs. Younge eventually convinced Georgiana that she was in love with Wickham and that the two should elope. My sister was but fifteen. A few days before the intended elopement I joined them unexpectedly. Georgiana confessed all, thank God. Obviously I couldn’t make a public spectacle of the matter, so I wrote to Mr. Wickham, who left immediately and Mrs. Younge was relieved of her charge.
This is a full account of my dealings with Mr. Wickham. Should you require additional testimony, you may look to Colonel Fitzwilliam. If you hate me so much that my assertions hold no weight, you may rely upon him to tell you the truth of the matter. I shall endeavor to get this letter to you this morning. I will only add, God bless you.
With that, the “big news bombshell” letter had officially overwhelmed Elizabeth. She had so many feelings that she didn’t know what she felt, but inevitably they were burbling to the surface of her brain as she read Darcy’s words.
His assertions regarding her sister left her wishing that his laundress would lose the mate to every single pair of his socks and that his shoes would forever give him blisters. He expressed no remorse for ruining her dearest sister’s happiness: To Lizzie’s mind, this was completely unforgivable.
Then she read his account of Wickham, and the more that she read, the more it began to make sense, and frighteningly so She started by telling herself “This can’t be true. Darcy is full of lies. Even now, he’s doing his very best to ruin Wickham’s life and reputation. Once a scumbag, always a scumbag!” However, the mix of her experiences and Darcy’s accounts helped her to piece together a clearer understanding of Wickham’s character, and she began to see more of the monster behind the suave, well-spoken man in uniform. Wickham had been so convincing when he had spoken of how the Darcy family had treated him; Lizzie had been thoroughly taken in by his charms.
Balderdash. She thought. If he had lied so easily to me, by all logic, Darcy’s story becomes more and more plausible.
And yet… to Lizzie’s mind, the business regarding Miss Darcy did require confirmation from Colonel Fitzwilliam. Yet, the more she thought about how that conversation would begin, the more she realized that she had no desire to put either her or the Colonel through THAT awkwardness.
Looking back on her first meeting with Wickham at Mr. Phillips, Lizzie was finally struck with the impropriety of Wickham’s confessions to her, when at that time she was a complete stranger to him. She realized that until Darcy left town, she was the only one who had heard Wickham’s account, but as soon as the Darcy family had left, the entire town had heard of how Wickham was “mistreated.” She then realized that she had been blinded by her first encounter with Wickham and had allowed his account to affect the manner in which she interacted with and perceived Darcy.
Thinking of either gentleman left Lizzie uncomfortably aware of her own prejudices, vanity, pride, and absurd partiality. She began muttering to herself maniacally as she walked furiously through the countryside, obsessively poring over the letter.
“I have been a complete jerk. I’m a huge jerk! I, who prided myself on my discernment… how humiliating! But now that I think about it, I probably deserved it... Love blinded me but it was my vanity that put the final nail in the coffin of my sense. I was pleased with the affection of one and displeased with being neglected by the other. Until this moment, I never knew myself.”
She read and re-read the letter. Each line seemed to give her a new embarrassing epiphany regarding the conduct of herself and her family. Eventually, mind buzzing and feet weary, Lizzie made her way home, determined to fake cheerfulness for the sake of her family, only to discover that first Darcy, and then Colonel Fitzwilliam had called for her in her absence. Darcy had stayed only a few minutes, but Colonel Fitzwilliam had waited for her for at least an hour. Lizzie feigned regret at missing him, but truthfully, she was filled with relief. She had too much to process. The only thing she could think of was her letter.
This week's chapters were written by Kylie Rose, who will be playing Lydia Bennet in our upcoming production. Read her bio here.
NEXT WEEK: Further attempts to NOT strangle Mr. Collins while he rambles, and A Jangley Update!
A complete list of things to do in Georgian Britain (if you’re a middle class woman with no income and aren’t allowed to do much of anything anyway):
Walking is great, and it’s one of Elizabeth’s FAVE THINGS to do, but she, you know, prefers to do it alone, or at least with someone she likes. Mr. Darcy does not fall into that latter category. And yet, every time Elizabeth takes a walk around Hunsford, she runs into him! Like he’s doing it on purpose! What is this guy’s deal?? Surely someone who was hypothetically (see previous post!) in love with someone else wouldn’t go out of their way to deliberately annoy them. Hypothetically. Such are Elizabeth’s thoughts. She told him the first time they met that this was a favorite haunt of hers, HINT HINT, yet he insists on showing up. So Elizabeth is understandably apprehensive when she sees someone approaching her on her route one day. THANK GOD, it’s just Colonel Fitzwilliam, Darcy’s #1 wingman (“Have you met my friend, Darcy? He makes £10,000 a year!) Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth get to chatting about money, being rich, and how some people with money can really be assholes (guess who):
Lizzie: So, how long are you staying?
Fitzwilliam: Oh, it’s up to Darcy.
Fitz: He’s not so bad, really. He can get what he wants more easily than others, maybe…being rich, and all. And the eldest son. When you’re the youngest, like me, you don’t get very much of what you want of anything!
Lizzie: Oh, boo-hoo. Life must be so hard for you. You poor, slightly rich man.
Fitz: …Touché. So, maybe I’m better off than others! But there are some things—well, marriage, for instance! We can’t always marry where we like, always aiming our sights higher…even when our affections tend to someone more….at our own….you know…level.
Lizzie: *Blushing* Hmm. Well. Um, that’s nice. So, speaking of nothing at all, how much do you make?
Fitz: Oh, uh….
Jane didn’t think it was appropriate for the reader to know, so she changes the subject.
The subject shifts to Georgiana, Fitz revealing that he and Darcy share in Georgiana’s guardianship. Lizzie says she’s heard Georgiana can be a little difficult (Wickham, if you recall, said she was just as prideful as her brother), and Fitz’s reaction is basically: “……….huh??” Lizzie doesn’t want to make a thing of it, and assures him she’s heard very good things about Georgiana from Bingley’s sisters. Fitz mentions that he’s met Bingley, and that Darcy is rather protective of him. Lizzie wonders aloud if perhaps Darcy’s too protective of him.
Fitz: Well...there was this thing, recently…I mean, I don’t know if it was Bingley, Darcy never said, and if the news were to get around to the lady’s family…
Lizzie: I WON’T TELL A SOUL. SPILL THE TEA.
Fitz proceeds to relate to Lizzie the story of Darcy’s rescuing Bingley from what he believed to be an imprudent marriage, to someone who sounds suspiciously like Longbourn’s #1 Sweetheart, Jane Bingley! GASP.
After returning to the parsonage, Lizzie is so angry that she’s able to convincingly fake a stomach ache and get out of dinner at Rosings (something I used to do in middle school to get out of Algebra 1! Nice thinking, Lizzie!). She is furious; furious that Darcy was apparently congratulating himself over a job well done, furious that he had “objections against the lady”—Jane, the best person in the world! Of course, Lizzie concludes, he doesn’t have objections against her, he just has objections against members of their family working for a living! Of course, maybe their mother can be a little….but no, Darcy wouldn’t prioritize sense over dollars. His aunt is Lady Catherine. Come on.
Conclusion: Darcy is an absolute asshat. Lizzie would be totally fine with never seeing him again.
And guess who just walked in the door! That’s right, the asshat! (I’m amping up the irony a bit here, but seriously, Austen’s very good at it. Hello, last person in the world that I want to see right now? What could you possibly be here to do? Hahahahhahaha oh, Jane).
Darcy [awkwardly]: *clears throat* How….are you feeling?
Lizzie [coldly]: Fine.
Darcy: [Sits down. Says nothing for a few moments. Gets up. Walks around the room, still saying nothing. Five minutes pass, probably].
Darcy [Suddenly “in great agitation” comes toward Lizzie and says the line that is too famous for me to paraphrase]: In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
Every reader since 1813: Oh my god!!! Oh my god, what!!
Darcy takes Lizzie’s stunned silence as encouragement, and continues on the subject of his affection for her in great detail—and how he feels this way despite her not being his type, despite her being an inferior match financially and socially, and despite doing everything he could not to like her! EMBARRASSING.
Lizzie: I know in these situations you’re supposed to feel grateful for the compliment, but I honestly dislike you so much that I don’t feel bad about completely shredding you. Even if you hadn’t been completely rude to me just now, did you seriously think you could get away with asking me to marry you after your separating Jane and Bingley? Don’t pretend like you had no part in it.
Darcy: I did have a part in it. I protected my friend from embarrassment and heartbreak; I don’t see that as a poor decision. Indeed, I should have followed my own advice (then I wouldn’t be having this terrible conversation!!).
Lizzie: And what about Mr. Wickham?
Darcy: [keeping it together quite valiantly] ……Yeeeeesss….what about him?
Lizzie: You know what about him!
Darcy: I can’t think of anything I’ve done to Wickham that he didn’t deserve.
Lizzie: Seriously? You’ve reduced him to near poverty, deprived him of the opportunities that were meant to be provided for him--
Darcy: You don’t really care about any of that. I was honest just now about the disadvantages in my marrying you. Your PRIDE was hurt. That’s why you’re rejecting me.
Elizabeth then levels up, and delivers the sickest burn that cannot possibly be paraphrased with any due justice:
Lizzie: [standing up] You are mistaken, Mr. Darcy, if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way, than as it spared me the concern which I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner.
Lizzie: You could not have made the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it.
Lizzie: From the very beginning—from the first moment, I may almost say—of my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.
[A PREGNANT PAUSE]
Darcy: I’m so very sorry for bothering you. Get well soon. I’ll think I’ll just be. Going now. [He goes].
Lizzie: [MIC DROP]
 About £796,000 today, or $1,154,956. Annually! Has this been mentioned yet? Because damn.
 This image is hilarious to me
This week's chapters were written by our very own Helena Fisher-Welsh, who is playing Elizabeth Bennet in our upcoming production!
Next week: Oh, so you think you’ve heard the last from Human Disaster Fitzwilliam Darcy? Think again! He’s GONNA WRITE A LETTER. Elizabeth reacts…
Alright, so Elizabeth is still at Hunsford (Charlotte's house) with Charlotte and new hubby, Mr. Collins (suppress gag reflex here). After the Musical Chairs evening with Lady Catherine (see previous post!), they visit with Lady Catherine a few more times. Lady Catherine can't officially hold the title of "Justice of the Peace" (which basically gave wealthy men permission to be nosy, control-freak managers of the local population), because she's a woman...but basically she does it anyway.
Elizabeth finds a nice, quiet path and finds LOTS of excuses for "fresh air."
Enter into this peaceful scene, Good News and Bad News. Bad News first: Mr. Darcy comes to visit his Aunt (supposedly) and shows up at Rosings. BUT he brings Good News with him, in the form Colonel Fitzwilliam, another nephew of Lady Catherine.
He's not that good-looking, but he's SUPER nice. Elizabeth takes note....I could hit that.
Meanwhile, Darcy is being his usual gloomy self. He manages a (gasp!) polite question to Liz, "How's your family?"
"Good," Liz replies. "Maybe you've seen my sister, Jane, in town? She's been there the last three months," she asks, pointedly. Liz wants to see if Darcy might reveal anything about WTF happened between Bingley and Jane...
He doesn't know anything. Hm.
The group at Hunsford heads over to Rosings for their first official "evening" with Darcy & the Colonel, since their arrival. Liz usually dreads the Rosings visits...but this time, she enters the room, and is immediately pulled aside by the Colonel. They start chatting...
...and he's FUNNY...
...and he's CHARMING...
...and he's SMART...
Their laughter draws the attention of Darcy. He stares at them from across the room. #cockblocked
Their laughter also draws the attention of Lady Catherine. She's a little less subtle about it. #divablocked
"What did you say, Fitzwilliam?? What was that?? What did you tell Miss Bennet?? Let me hear." (legit guys, this is pretty much what it says in the book)
"Uh...music?" replies the Colonel, and he and Liz giggle.
"MUSIC IS MY DELIGHT," says Lady Catherine, thrilled to have a subject she can continue to be the center of attention of. "I love it. Music is awesome. Georgiana* plays, does she not, Darcy?"
"I am so glad to hear her so well spoken of. Tell her, from me, that she should practice all the time. Practice, practice, practice!"
"Miss Bennet!! YOU should practice more, you are welcome to come any time and practice on the piano here. You will not get better without CONSTANT practice. Yes, DO come over, and then you will be as skilled as Georgiana."
The Colonel, bless his sweet heart, attempts to smooth this over by asking Liz to play piano for everyone...and with a reluctant heart, she does. For the record, Elizabeth's piano repertoire consists of "Chopsticks", half of "Heart and Soul" and those two notes from the "Jaws" theme...
The Colonel sits on one side of Liz...and Darcy comes and sits on the other. Ooh, juicy. Here we go:
LIZ: Are you trying to frighten me, Mr. Darcy?
DARCY: I don't think I could if I tried.
LIZ: Don't listen to him, Colonel. I could tell you such stories about him...
COLONEL: Ooh!! Like what??
LIZ: The first time I met Mr. Darcy, it was at a dance, and he danced with NO ONE. Even though there were plenty of "alright" girls to dance with...#buuuuuurrrrrnnnnnn
DARCY: I didn't know anyone...
LIZ: Right, and no one can be introduced in a ballroom. Colonel, what should I play next?
Darcy: I'm not good at talking to people I don't know.
LIZ: Maybe you should, as your Aunt says, "Practice, practice, practice." #CHECKMATE
LADY CATHERINE: HELLO!! Ahem!! What are you all talking about???!!
Liz goes back to playing Chopsticks. The Colonel does a little mental fist pump.
Darcy is pensive.
*Georgiana is Darcy's younger sister.
I'm pretty sure* that the following is the first awkward rom-com scene ever written.
*and by pretty sure, I mean that I have no idea and have done absolutely zero research on the matter. But I really hope that it is, because this scene is bloody brilliant.
The morning after the "Practice, practice, practice!" evening at Rosings, Elizabeth is alone at Hunsford, writing a letter to Jane.
All of the sudden, Darcy bursts through the door. And this happens....
He leaves, Charlotte enters. Liz relays what happened.
And Charlotte declares, "He must be in love with you, Lizzie."
WHAAAATTTT????? No way. I mean, NO. WAY. Darcy??? He's probably just bored.
Elizabeth dismisses the idea.
In the meantime, Darcy and the Colonel start to show up at Hunsford...a LOT. Lizzie starts to lean toward the Colonel...and Charlotte watches Darcy with Liz....
He does stare at her an AWFUL lot....could it be...?
TO BE CONTINUED!
NEXT WEEK: The Colonel spills the beans about Jangley, and THE PROPOSAL. Yup. It's happening. Don't miss it! "Like Us" on Facebook to receive notifications of new posts!
What is #Enso4You? On January 1st of 2016 I set out to create an Enso-a-day for one year. Each Enso is meant to thank a person, place or thing that has inspired me creatively. Every month I check in on this blog to assess the difference this practice is making in my day to day life.
An Enso is a symbol created on an exhale of breath which represents a moment when the mind is free, to let the body create.
They are posted on Instagram, Twitter, and more rarely, Facebook.
What was different this month? What was the same?
This month my meditation practice, which typically accompanied my enso practice, went out the window. BUT my enso practice got better, and I continued to see its affect in my day to day life.
As I painted or created each enso, I watched various thoughts arise and I was able to let them go with more ease. For me, this practice is not about "clearing" my thoughts: dude, that's just not going to happen. My brain is "on" from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep. But what HAS started happening, is a little gap between thought and reaction.
Here's a real-life example of this:
April was a really tough month. I was scrambling to get as many Enso Theatre items checked off before I start rehearsals for my internship production, and I was simultaneously managing all of the marketing for said production. I was working and trying to make time for my relationship and for myself. And taxes. Oh the joys of taxes.
The exhaustion and stress would manifest in other areas of my life. The four-year-old I nanny is going through a boundary-pushing phase. One afternoon, I asked her to clean up some of her toys, and she just stared back at me. Didn't say no, didn't yell or scream or anything, just stared blankly. I asked again. No response. My stomach tightened and I had this wave of anger rush over me. There was an impulse, a thought, to raise my voice, to be stern, to threaten her with a time-out....
...and right at that moment, I took a little breath and there was a little gap between the impulse and the action. It's hard to describe, that's as close as I can get: a gap. I released the thought, and I tried to think of other ways I might react. For example, why was she being silent? Maybe she wanted something she didn't know how to ask for? What was going on inside her head?
I chose that path. I asked her what she was thinking about. She wanted to sit and read. I said we could do that, after we cleaned up. And she cleaned up her toys.
What happened before, during and after creating the enso?
This month, I noticed that if I sat on my meditation cushion for a little while, even for 30 seconds, the enso I created afterward tended to have fewer angles than if I painted the enso and didn't sit at all. The angles in the circle always happened when I started getting impatient and I just wanted to finish the enso quickly.
And this is not like a big display of impatience: this is a super subtle thing that I would notice with my thoughts. I would start off strong, moving the brush with my breath, but as my exhale started running out, I'd get this feeling like: gah, I'm going to run out of breath!! Better finish quick! Or a To-Do item would come up in my head, and I'd think, Oh shit, I gotta go finish that. And I wouldn't see the enso through to the end.
I'm trying not to judge myself on this. It's just where I'm at right now. Just trying to maintain a steady awareness of what's happening in my head, so the next time I get close to saying or doing something that might hurt someone else, or myself....maybe I won't.
Or maybe I still will, but instead of leaping to it right away, there will be this moment of, There's a choice to be made here. What choice are you going to make in this moment? And hopefully, over time, that gap will grow and expand, until making that choice to be kind, be well, be patient, will be easier.
Follow us on Instagram to see what or who all these ensos are dedicated to! (it might be to YOU!)
CREATE YOUR OWN #ENSO4YOU JOURNEY:
If you would like to make one Enso, or even join me on this wild journey, here are the guidelines I'm following:
1. The Enso can be made out of anything, but it must be made out of things I already own.
2. I will post and update once a month on www.ensotheatre.com/blog.
3. The update will answer the questions: What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? What was different? What was the same?
Try to create your enso at around the same time each day. I've found that this makes it both easier and harder, but it creates a habit, which ultimately, is what I want to find. A different habit of mind.
Sometimes I use a Sumi-e Board to paint my ensos. All you need is water and a paintbrush, and as soon as you paint your enso, it starts to evaporate and you can paint again. The cheapest one I found is $15, you can get it online here.
Leave a comment and/or a picture if you make an enso! I'd love to chat with you about your experience.
As always, THANK YOU, for being on the path with me.
In the next three chapters, we get a break from the long, rambling letters. Yay!
Buried in a mass of letters, Elizabeth sits up and sees one from Charlotte. Yay! Then she remembers Charlotte is now Mrs. Collins. Eugh. She opens the letter anyway. Charlotte is inviting her to stay with them. Mmm, okay sure. It's been a while since Liz has had such a deliciously easy target as Collins.
Charlotte's Dad, Sir William Lucas and Charlotte's sister, Maria (Okay Austen, way to introduce another character super late in the game!), join Elizabeth on her journey. On the way, they stop by the Gardiners' house to check in on Jane.
(SO MANY PEOPLE in that last sentence. If you're lost, check out the map here.)
So in case it's all a big blurry mess, Jane went to stay with the Gardiners after Bingley & the Netherfield folk peaced out and left Netherfield for London. She's basically doing a Boy-Detox.
Jane looks okay to Liz, but you never know. She checks with Mrs. Gardiner, and Mrs. G says Jane is okay overall--a little up and down, but that's to be expected. Then Mrs. G brings up Wickham. Liz tells her that he is now pursuing a Miss King...who comes with a For Sale sign and cash.
Mrs. G scolds Wickham for pursuing a girl simply for the sake of money. And I'm going to put on my Super Nerd hat here for a second, because Liz brings up this great Paradox of the time she was living in:
When Wickham was pursuing Liz, Mrs. G was all: Hey! Not Cool! Neither of you guys have money, you can't get married! How imprudent!
Now that Wickham is purusing Miss King, Mrs. G is all: Hey! Not Cool! You shouldn't only pursue a girl because she's rich! How mercenary!
What's a girl to do??????
At the end of this heady conversation, Mrs. G invites Liz on a bit of a nature tour of England after she's visited Charlotte. And Elizabeth gets that amazing line:
"Ah yes! What are men to rocks and mountains?"
Amen sister. Amen.
Liz & Sir William Lucas & Maria arrive at Hunsford, the abode of Collins & Charlotte. Collins makes sure to point out all the awesome things about his house--
--"Check out our hedges! See how tall they are? Man they are SO TALL. What a bummer, Elizabeth, that you don't have hedges like these...and did I point out our rose bushes? I mean, right? They are so awesome--oh, I forgot yours all died last winter, sorry Elizabeth...OH, and look at our awesome shoe rack, I mean, this is NOT an Ikea shoe rack, it is like, REAL WOOD, you could have been putting your shoes on THIS shoe rack EVERY DAY, if you had accepted my proposal, but I'm SURE you're not bummed about that AT ALL--did I mention how pointy our roof is?"--
Subtle, Mr. Collins. Subtle.
Things quiet down, Liz gets to talk to Charlotte alone for a little bit, when suddenly there's a flurry of shouts.
"CHARLOTTE--COME QUICK--OH MY--COME CHARLOTTE--YOU MUST--CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!!!"
Liz & Charlotte run outside, because obviously you don't shout like that unless something is on fire or dying or drowning...and Collins jumping up and down and pointing at a carriage parked at the end of the road.
"What is it, dear?" says Charlotte.
"ANNE DE BOURGH!!!!!!" shouts Collins who looks like a rabid fan at a concert who maybe just peed his pants a little.
Liz sticks out her hip and is about to look at Charlotte to share one of their famous "Really!?" looks, but before she can do so, Charlotte starts moving excitedly toward the carriage.
Oh no. Has Charlotte converted to Collinsism?
Charlotte seems to be speaking to someone inside the carriage. The conversation ends, the carriage drives off, and Charlotte comes back.
"We've all been invited to dine with Lady Catherine tomorrow evening!"
Collins lets out a sound that's half utter delight and half terror.
Liz cocks an eyebrow. She takes a breath. Okay. Here we go.
The next day the entire crew arrives at Rosings Park, Lady Catherine's giant, intimidating estate. And what a crew. Maria looks like she's about to faint. Collins looks like he's about to pee, from excitement or nervousness, Liz isn't sure. Even Sir William Lucas is slightly green. Charlotte is the only one who looks relatively calm. Good for you, Charlotte, we know who wears the pants in this relationship.
They enter. Collins opens his mouth to speak and Charlotte quickly intercepts that impending train wreck. Charlotte introduces every one. And they sit down to dinner. Lady Catherine rearranges how everyone is sitting, several times.
Musical chairs anyone?
They find seats suitable to her Ladyship. Liz checks out Anne de Bourgh, who, if you'll remember, has technically been engaged to Mr. Darcy since birth. Anne is a tiny little thing, chronically ill, completely silent and miserable. Liz wishes the two of them much happiness...muahaha.
Cue Regency pleasantries.
After dinner they go to drawing room to wait for coffee. Lady Catherine takes stock of the room and delivers her opinion on every subject she can think of with dictatorial decisiveness. Liz thinks Lady Catherine only needs a hairless cat and signature catch phrase to complete her Evil Villain Taking Over The World act.
And then she turns to Elizabeth. She fires questions fatal accuracy. Here is a list of every question Lady Catherine actually poses to Liz, direct from the book. Sometimes Liz gets time to answer, sometimes not:
How many sisters do you have?
Older or younger?
Any of them likely to be married?
Any of them handosme (pretty)?
Are you all educated?
Does your father keep a carriage?
Your mother's maiden name? (WTF??!!)
Do you play and sing?
Do your sisters play and sing?
Why didn't you all learn?
Do you draw?
None of you?
Has your governness left you?
Who taught you?
Who attended to you?
Are any of your younger sisters out?
Your younger sisters must be very young?
What is your age--
"ENOUGH ALREADY, JEEZY PETES, WHAT THE @#$% DO YOU WANT FROM ME???"
Okay, she doesn't really say that. But come on, if YOU had questions fired at you like that, how would YOU react??
Amazingly, Liz manages to channel her frustration with Lady Catherine into a saucy, politically correct response: "With all my younger sisters grown up, you can hardly expect me to own up to my age."
Lady Catherine is astonished. No one has ever broken the Line of Questions before. Who the hell is this girl, anyway? She decides to keep a close eye on this one.
When coffee is over, they play cards, and go.
As they leave, Collins asks: What did you think of Lady Catherine?
Collins: That's okay, I'll tell you what to think!! (Cue long uninteresting ramble...so uninteresting that even Austen didn't write it. She ended the chapter there.)
NEXT WEEK: We meet the Hunky Colonel & Darcy Attempts To Practice Conversation! (one of my favorite scenes!)
Comment below with YOUR reaction if you were questioned in such a way as Lady Catherine questioned Liz!
Just when Lizzie thought she had fully recovered from her gut-wrenching “OMG my best friend is marrying Mr. Rosings-Park-Bow-Down-and-Worship-Lady-Catherine-De-Bourgh Collins” feelings, another bit of unexpected news turned her world on its head. Caroline had thoughtfully sent ANOTHER letter to Jane to let her know that the Bingley crew was all settled in London for the winter.
"He didn’t even say goodbye.” Cue the Jane Bennet lip quiver.
“Let me see that.” Snatching the letter from Jane’s hands, Lizzie quickly scanned the contents: “Sooo, 'Mr. Bingley sends his affection… Miss Georgiana Darcy is the best; we’re super close... I’m more and more convinced that she’s totally going to marry my brother… Annnd Darcy is buying new furniture.' Seriously? Why should you care about Mr. Darcy’s furniture?”
“Furniture is a very important purchase, Lizzie.” Jane not-so-subtly tries to pull herself together.
“Furniture. Uh-huh. I’ll store that pearl of wisdom away for future reference.” Lizzie’s snark elicited no reaction from her sister: bad news. Bad news indeed.
"Jane, are you alright?”
“Of course I’m okay. I’m more than okay. I’m wonderful. Think of all of the heartache and angst Caroline’s letter has saved me. I must have been reading too much into Mr. Bingley’s feelings, but now I have been set straight and life can go back to the way it used to be.”
GAH! Lizzie resisted the urge to physically shake some sense into her sister.
“I’ll look at this in the best possible light. He and his sisters seem to want him to marry Miss Darcy. I was just mistaken. No hard feelings.”
While Mrs. Bennett viewed Jane’s distress as a sign that the world was ending, Mr. Bennett observed the situation with both amusement and concern.
“I’m convinced being crossed in love is good for a body. Lord knows Lydia, Kitty, and Mary have been crossed in love, and now Jane has joined their ranks. When will your time come, Lizzie? There are plenty of officers around. Why don’t you let Wickham be your man? He could jilt you quite beautifully.”
“We cannot all expect Jane’s good fortune. I’d gladly be rejected by someone less amiable than Wickham.”
“Well, in any case, your mother will make the best of it.” Mrs. Bennet wails from the other room, “Or rather, the worst.”
Wickham did seem to be making more appearances in her life, and Lizzie was VERY okay with that. He made the post-Collins/Bingley funk a little more cheerful. The Bennett family bonded with him over a mutual dislike of Darcy, and Wickham shared his misfortunes at Darcy’s hands with the rest of Lizzie’s family. Everyone agreed that Darcy was the worst, with the exception of Jane, who always thought the best of everyone.
To the relief of all, at long last Mr. Collins found it necessary to leave Longbourne to get everything situated for his wedding.
*Cue the universal sigh of relief*
Just as Mr. Collins was leaving, Mrs. Bennet’s brother, Mr. Gardiner and his wife came for their annual Christmas visit.
As usual, Mrs. Gardiner was pressed to explain the latest fashions before settling down to hear the Bennett family’s updates, which she was already familiar with, since Jane and Elizabeth often wrote her letters.
“So, Lizzie. Details on Jangley! How serious was it really?"
“As far as I could tell they were both smitten kittens. That’s what makes Bingley's whole disappearing act so hard on Jane.”
“Poor Jane. It would be better if this had happened to you, Lizzie, for you’d bounce right back. Jane, on the other hand, will need some time to get over him. Do you think she might come back to London with us? A change of scene might do her good.”
Lizzie put on her plotting cap and decided that arrangement would work quite nicely. To Lizzie’s mind, the Bingley crew made it clear that ties were severed, so Jane could simply spend her time in London recovering from her heartbreak.
Operation Jane’s Heart Recovery is GO! Aunt Gardiner made the offer to Jane, who was all over it like a fly on poop.
The remainder of the Christmas holiday was spent keeping the Gardiners engaged, and with the number of times that officers were invited to these events, Mrs. Gardiner couldn’t help noticing that Lizzie was fluttering her eyelashes at Wickham in earnest. Mrs. Gardiner’s mama bear instincts began to kick in, and she decided to look into Wickham to see if he was worthy of her niece’s affection. While he made a good impression, Mrs. Gardiner couldn’t help feeling he was just a little too smooth...
“Lizzie, I know this Wickham fellow is charming as all get-out and I certainly have no objections to him, but you must remember to be careful. You have good sense: make sure you use it."
“That sounds serious.”
“Well, I’m encouraging you to be serious in this.”
“Oooooookay. Wickham will not fall in love with me if I have anything to do with it!”
Mrs. Gardiner rolls her eyes.
“Sorry. Okay, I’m not in love with Wickham, I just feel bad that Mr. Darcy was such a douchebag to him! Now, there are no guarantees that I won’t someday fall for Wickham, but I can promise that I will take things slowly.”
“You may be able to help that process by not inviting him over so often…”
“Auntie, he usually doesn’t visit this much! It’s only because Mama is trying to keep you entertained by hosting so many events. You know her! I do promise I will do what I think is wisest though.”
Hugs all-around for well-received life advice!
Holiday over, the Gardiners soon parted, just in time for Mr. Collins to return, antsy and excited for his wedding, although this time he was staying with the Lucases, thank God!
Regardless, Mrs. Bennett was still miffed that Lizzie had rejected Mr. Collins, and whenever Charlotte and Mr. Collins’s wedding was mentioned, she took to saying:
“I WISH they might be happy,” while sniffing disdainfully, much to Lizzie’s embarrassment.
Lizzie took a far kinder approach, and on the wedding day, Charlotte, grateful for her friend’s support, invited Lizzie to join her father and Maria (Charlotte's sister) to visit Charlotte and Mr. Collins in March. Lizzie, of course, agreed to come, even though it sounded SUPER awkward. But how can you say no to someone on their wedding day?
Then Lizzie’s daily grind was spiced up by ALL OF THE LETTERS!
In a number of weeks, Lizzie got her first letter from Charlotte, which was full of kind praises for her new home.
Shortly after, Lizzie received some letters from Jane. The first simply informed her of Jane’s safe arrival in London. The following letters spoke of Jane’s adventures visiting her acquaintances throughout London. Eventually Jane decided to visit Caroline Bingley.
“She seemed out of spirits, but glad to see me. She said my letters to her informing her that I was in London must have gone astray.”
Lizzie almost choked on her biscuit. She was quite convinced that Jane’s letters “went astray” into Caroline Bingley’s fireplace.
"When I asked about her brother she said he was so engaged with Mr. Darcy that he was seldom seen. It was a quick visit because she was on her way out the door with Mrs. Hurst, and Miss Darcy was coming to dinner that evening. I wish I could have met her.”
Lizzie could well imagine Jane’s sad puppy-dog eyes. Jane waited for the Bingleys to call for four weeks before writing Lizzie yet again.
“You were right, Lizzie. Caroline does not seem to be the dear friend that I supposed her to be. She did return my visit, but she made it clear she wasn’t happy about it.
I’m sure that her brother is the root cause of this though. He knows of my being in town, but Caroline made it sound like he has fallen for Miss Darcy. It seems duplicitous, but I don't want to be judgmental. I will focus on the positives: sunshine, rainbows, bunny rabbits, ribbons, and the love and affection of my aunt, uncle, and you, dear sister.”
In YET ANOTHER LETTER around this same time, Mrs. Gardiner asked for Wickham updates. At this point, Wickham felt rather meh for Lizzie. He had moved on to another young lady with a far greater income than Lizzie could offer.
“I ain’t saying he’s a gold digger, but I feel like her money had a bit to do with his change in affections. In any case, it all happened rather naturally. I don’t think I’ve ever been much in love. I like Wickham. I think he’s nice, but I can’t be angry with him or with Miss King (the lady with cash) for their interest in one another. Kitty and Lydia more than make up for my resignation, but they still have to learn that both handsome and plain men must have something to live on."
NEXT WEEK: Collins Attempts to Make Lizzie Jealous (SPOILER: It doesn't work...), We Meet The GLORIOUS Lady Catherine and Play Musical Chairs!
"Like" us on FB for updates each week, and let us know if you're enjoying the series in the comments below!! Thanks guys!
This week's chapters were written by Kylie Rose, an incredible actress and even more incredible human being. She will be playing "Lydia Bennet" in our upcoming production. Find out more...
So, disaster averted. Lizzie doesn’t have to marry Mr. Collins – she just has to endure her mother’s not-so-subtle whining and Mr. Collins’s resentful silence. All the absurd flattery he had been piling up on Lizzie like a mountain of unwanted Twizzlers gets transferred instantly to Charlotte – and oddly, she doesn’t seem to mind?
So, off they all go to Meryton to find out if the no-show Mr. Wickham has anything to say for himself. And he actually does!
“Yeah,” he says (probably with his gorgeous hair swooshing manfully in the breeze or something, UGH) “I realized I really didn’t want to see Darcy. I just don’t think I could…bear it.” (Stares soulfully away, brooding harder than a glittery vampire.)
When they get back home there’s A LETTER FROM NETHERFIELD.
I repeat: A LETTER FROM NETHERFIELD.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching Jane read, Lizzie can tell something’s up. When they get up to their room, Jane tells her what the letter says. Basically:
The Bingley crowd has gone off to join their brother in town.
But actually, NONE of them are coming back this winter.
Could this letter get more shit-tastic? Actually yes, because then comes the worst part:
“OMG Georgiana Darcy is soooooo pretty and elegant and brilliant and perfect and we love her sooooooo much, we all just can’t WAIT to see her, she’s basically like a sister, and actually she probably will be our sister because my brother will definitely fall in love with her and obviously she’ll fall in love with him…so that’s happening. But anyway, hope you have a great Christmas xoxo!”
“Ah well,” says Jane, metaphorically reaching for her tub of Peanut Butter Fudge Core Ben & Jerry’s, “I guess that’s that.”
But Lizzie is calling bullshit on this whole nauseating letter. Bingley totally loves Jane, Caroline is a conniving beyotch, and she’s trying to shove her brother into Georgiana’s arms in hopes it’ll somehow improve her chances with Mr. Darcy (like hell!)
But Jane, spooning ice cream into her mouth, is all: “No, she wouldn’t do that.”
Luckily, Lizzie is the Cheering-up-Jane master. Eventually Jane is willing to admit that MAYBE Bingley will come back before the winter is over and they’ll get their happy ending. Which they totally will because obviously they belong together.
Sisterly mission: accomplished.
Now there’s just the small matter of telling Mrs. Bennet that the Bingley’s have all gone away for a while.
Hoo boy. Shields up.
Okay: Mom Bennet has come down from her freak-out and is now completely certain Mr. Bingley will be back and he and Jane will live happily ever after. Jane is somewhat hopeful. Mr. Collins has been successfully rebuffed.
Whew! Other than Mr. Collins still being around and randomly sneaking out one morning, everything seems to be back to normal.
Oh, hey! It’s Charlotte!
“Lizzie, uh…well…the thing is…I’m marrying Mr. Collins.”
Apparently Mr. Collins snuck out to propose to Charlotte and she actually accepted! Accepted Mr. Collins? WTMother’lovin’F??
But Charlotte explains she really doesn’t care about romance, and at the ripe old age of 27 (which apparently is ANCIENT), she has to get married right quick or she’ll be a huge burden and embarrassment to her family. Since her attitude towards men and marriage is basically, “Meh,” she might as well marry this guy, since he has a pretty sweet house and isn’t too badly off.
Okay, okay. Get a grip on yourself, Lizzie. Swallow the vomit you just threw up in your mouth. Turn your smile on. Friendship dial set to “supporting you even in your stupidest decisions.”
“Wow! Well, that’s great, Charlotte. I mean, you know. If you like…him. Or whatever.”
So now, to visit Charlotte in the future, Lizzie will have to actually lay eyes on Mr. Collins again??
Something not terrible needs to happen, like, now.
Nope. Things just keep getting worse. Because now things between Lizzie and Charlotte are awkward, Mr. Collins is coming back to stay with the Bennets so he can see his bride-to-be (cue disgusting love speeches, GAG), and it turns out Bingley definitely isn’t coming back to Netherfield that winter at all.
Is horrible Caroline actually succeeding in keeping Bingley away from Jane for her own nefarious purposes?? Is the Jane/Bingley ship (Jingley? Bane?) doomed to sink before it even gets out of the harbor????
This week's chapters were written by Peytie McCandless, actress/writer/teacher extraordinaire. She will be playing "Jane Bennet" in our upcoming production. Find out more...
The morning after the Netherfield Ball, Lizzie wakes with a banging headache and foggy recollections of the night before…
What happened last night? (Knock knock) oh my head….Netherfield…right, Netherfield, dresses n stuff, terrible wine, ooooohhhh God the wine, why was I drinking so much wine…( knock, knock) was somebody rapping?? And mum, (knock, knock) mum was, being an arse, and Lydia was being an arse, and Kitty was being an arse, and Wickham was...not there, right, so he’s an arse...and Mary was...singing! (Knock, knock) Dear god the singing...and someone else...who am I forgetting?? (Knock, knock!) Someone was bothering me, (knock) someone kept following me around, (knock) someone kept hitting me on the head, (knock) Jeezy creezy what is that awful sound?? (KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)
“WHO IS IT don't come in, Ithinkmyheadisexploding…”
“Just your mother dear, breakfast is ready and a Mr. Someone is waiting to speak to you! Hehe!”
Disregarding the fact that her mother just worked “hehe” into everyday conversation, Lizzie manages to put clothing on in (mostly) the right direction and comes downstairs…
...and she remembers who was bothering her last night.
“Good morning dear! Mr. Collins was just saying how he wanted a word with you, I'll just pop out back, Lydia? Kitty? Let's leave Mr. Collins and Lizzie to themselves, hehe!”
Note To Self: The imminent threat of a dreaded proposal is certainly the best hangover cure I’ve seen to date. Sober ya right up.
Lizzie is left to fend off Mr. Collins by herself.
In the book, Collins’ proposal to Lizzie goes on, uninterrupted, for two, full, size 10 font, single-spaced pages, and they are well worth a read if you are studying to deliver the Worst.Proposal.Ever. Luckily we are paraphrasing, and Lizzie is only half listening, so his speech is a little more like this:
“My dear Miss Elizabeth blah blah blah your modesty blah blah blah Lady Catherine blah blah blah you were the first person I wanted to marry as soon as I entered your house (NOT TRUE) blah blah blah My reasons for marrying (oh lord) blah blah blah Lady Catherine blah blah blah And now nothing remains but for me to assure you of the VIOLENCE of my affection (don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh) blah blah blah indifferent to fortune blah blah blah when we are married.”
“Woah, hold up, I haven’t made an answer yet! Wait for it...wait for it...no. My answer is no.”
“But...no means yes, yes?”
“Nope, Mr. Collins, no, believe it or not, actually means NO.”
“A maybe then?”
Elizabeth turns and walks away.
Mrs. B sees Elizabeth exiting the room, and runs in to give congratulations to Mr. Collins on his newly acquired bride. It is a credit to Mr. Collins’ self-deception that he actually agrees with Mrs. B and says, “Thank you! Yeah, we’re totally getting married, I mean, at first she was like, ‘No’, but I mean, that’s just what modest, quiet girls like Elizabeth do, right? He, he, he.”
But Mrs. B is not fooled. She knows her daughter. She leaves Mr. Collins and calls for back-up.
“MR. BENNET!! COME MAKE YOUR DAUGHTER MARRY MR. COLLINS!”
Mr. B comes out. Lizzie comes out. She is flanked on either side by her mother and father.
Dad says: “Your mother tells me that you’ve refused an offer of marriage from Mr. Collins. Is that right?”
Lizzie says: “Yeah.”
Dad says: “Your mother insists that you marry him. Is that right, Mrs. B?”
Mom says: “Yes, or I’ll never see her again.”
And nothing I can paraphrase will top Mr. Bennet’s response:
“An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents.--Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do.”
Lizzie smiles and is free.
Chaos insues. Mrs. B is chasing down Lizzie and trying desperately to change her mind, even attempting to bring Jane into the mix. Mr. Collins can’t figure out why anyone would possibly refuse him as a husband. Lydia and Kitty are giggling like mad. And into this mess enters Charlotte.
All you need to know is that Charlotte and Collins have a pleasant little exchange whilst the Bennets are running about. This will come back later.
HISTORICAL INTERLUDE: So here’s what the big whoop is about this situation. When Mr. Bennet dies, Mr. Collins inherits Longbourne, and he can basically do whatever he wants with it. If he marries one of the Bennet girls, he has an incentive to provide for them. If he doesn’t, he can kick the girls out on the street, and they would have to live off of Mrs. Bennet’s income, which is 200 pounds/year, which by today’s standards would be about $7,000/year. Hardly a liveable income for a mother and five daughters. Thus Mrs. Bennet’s insistence at Lizzie marrying Mr. Collins.
NEXT TIME: Wickham’s Excuse, Bingley Peaces Out, and Collins Finally Gets a ‘Yes!’
Comment if you have any questions about the story, the book, or the history behind it!