We've met (and we're about to meet) LOTS of new people...so I updated our chart! CHAPTER 14 Mr. Bennet is particularly loving the absurdity that is Mr. Collins. He wonders if he can stoke the fire of Collins' ridiculousness by mentioning a lady that seems to come up a lot with him--Lady Catherine de Bourgh. COLLINS: "Ah yes! My patroness* Lady Catherine is quite the finest specimen of the female sex that I have ever encountered, in fact, just the other day I performed two of my sermons for her at her MAGNIFICENT estate, Rosings Park, and she approved of no less than BOTH of them, well, I was FLOORED, I can tell you, simply FLOORED that a Lady of HER esteem would love MY sermons, and if that wasn't enough, she then asked me to dine with her, not once but TWICE she has done me this honor, I tell you I was so pleased the first time I could have fainted, I did, in fact, faint, I believe, I have very little memory of it, but I would not be surprised, for ANYONE would certainly faint in the presence of SUCH a woman, OH and I almost forgot, she did in fact come to visit me, SHE came to visit ME, in my own humble parsonage, to think! that the walls of MY parsonage still glow with the air that SHE breathed upon them, certainly I am the luckiest man alive, for it was at that time that she also was the one to recommend I MARRY, and so of course I took her advice at once, which is *wink* why I am here, and I must say, you ladies DO remind me so of Ms. Anne de Bourgh, Lady Catherine de Bourgh's daughter, a SICKLY thing unfortunately, but TREMENDOUSLY beautiful of course, born to be a duchess, it is a SHAME that the British Court has been DEPRIVED of its BRIGHTEST ornament because of her illness, oh YES, it is, and I said this very thing to Lady Catherine de Bourgh, for I am QUITE talented at delivering little compliments to the ladies, as you ladies will no doubt soon see. *wink*" And that, my friends, is Mr. Collins. Elizabeth and Mr. Bennet spend the rest of the evening fueling the flames of Mr. Collins' absurdity, and exchanging sly smiles each time he is about to go on yet another rant. *HISTORICAL INTERLUDE: Persons of great wealth and status, like Lady Catherine, had the right to appoint someone to clerical positions. In this case, Lady Catherine has appointed Mr. Collins as the rector (priest) of the parish on her estate....a decision that she almost certainly regrets now....So, Mr. Collins has plenty of good reasons to like (or obsess over, apparently) Lady Catherine. CHAPTER 15 The next morning* Mr. Collins wastes no time in telling Mrs. Bennet that his heart has settled on Jane Bennet, and would it be okay if I marry her pretty please? Mrs. Bennet tells him Jane is about to be engaged (to Bingley) and that maybe Elizabeth would make a suitable second-choice? Mr. Collins checks out Elizabeth. "Yeah, I mean, she's a hot babe too. I'll go with her." So when the Bennet girls announce that they're walking to Meryton, Mr. Collins quickly snuggles up next to Liz. Liz is (not) delighted. The torture of Collins' presence is soon alleviated by the entrance of an absolutely beautiful young man, hubba hubba, holy fishsticks, who is that piece of gorgeousness??!! Mr. Wickham. The sun sparkled behind his beautiful blonde head, as if drawing energy from his radiant figure. The wind blew back his golden locks and he flashed his baby blues at the Bennet girls, who melted on the spot. He was clearly in the militia, and no one wore those tight trousers better than he. Those perfect lips parted, he was just about to speak, when--- "HELLOOO, ladies!" The arrival of Bingley and Darcy shakes everyone out of the dream. Leave it to the politeness of Bingley to ruin a perfectly good fantasy. Darcy is firmly deciding to NOT oggle at Elizabeth when he sees Wickham. Wickham looks at Darcy. Darcy looks at Wickham. One turns white. The other red. And Darcy speeds off on his horse. "Um, so, I guess I'll see you next time--" says Bingley, as he races to catch up with his friend. Elizabeth is all, WTF JUST HAPPENED!!!?? The Bennet party plus Wickham continue on to Mrs. Phillips' house, who is Mrs. Bennet's sister. They dine and agree to meet again the next day, making sure to invite the charming Mr. Wickham as well. Mr. Collins declares that, except for Lady Catherine and her daughter, of course, he has never met with a more amiable, wonderful, lovely, incredible woman than Mrs. Phillips in the whole of his existence forever in the history of the universe. But come on, Jane! What we really want to hear about is WHAT JUST HAPPENED WITH DARCY AND WICKHAM???!!!! *HISTORICAL INTERLUDE: It was common for folks to visit for long periods of time, since it took so long to get there in the first place. Mr. Collins stays with the Bennets for two weeks, which was actually considered a "short" visit at that time....although it may be a long visit when it's someone like Mr. Collins... CHAPTER 16 Alright so the Bennet girls and Collins head back to the Phillips' the next day, they chat, blah, blah, blah, Collins is overexpressive as usual, and Wickham is also there, and he just so happens to sit next to Elizabeth while the rest of the group plays cards. SO! Elizabeth is trying to figure out a way to subtly get Wickham to talk about Darcy when he asks her--How long as Darcy been at Netherfield? About a month, says Liz. Wickham says he's known Darcy since he was a baby. Rrreeeaaallly???? says Liz Yeah, I'm sure that's surprising given how we greeted each other yesterday, says Wickham. Naaah, says Liz, I hadn't even thought about it. "Well--"(and here is the question that Liz will look back on later and realize her mistake)--"do you know Mr. Darcy?" "As much as I ever need to," Liz says. And Wickham's story begins. It's a long winded thing, beautifully constructed, but here's what you need to know:
Basically, Chapter 16 sets up the rest of the story. On the way home from the Phillips' house, Elizabeth can't think about anything except Wickham: She likes Wickham more than ever. Poor man! Can you imagine thinking that your whole life is set up for you, paid for, ready to go, and then to have it completely taken away from you, so that you are forced to join the militia to earn something? She hates Darcy more than ever. HORRID man. How could you possibly go against your father's dying wishes and literally take EVERYTHING away from a young man you considered your best friend in youth??? She pities Caroline more than ever. She really doesn't have a blessed chance with Darcy. Ha, ha, ha. NEXT WEEK: The Netherfield Ball! Awkward Dances, Mary Lets It All Out, And Lydia & Kitty get Druuuuuuunk!
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90% of all our Social Media posts are CREATIONS. We are artists. We want more art in the world. We want to share it with YOU. We invite you to make it with us! Join us on Twitter to follow our Jane Austen Action Figure, #CrazyJaneA and #25DaysOfCrazyJane, as she interacts with modern life: @EnsoTheatre Join us on Instagram to create balance and presence in your life, with #enso4you: @enso_theatre Join us on Facebook to for updates to the hilarious re-telling of Pride & Prejudice, otherwise known as "Pride & Paraphrase": Enso Theatre's Pride and Prejudice Here are the most recent posts to our social media sites: CHAPTER 11 Despite the medical advancements of Jane Austen's day ("Ah ha! I've got it! Leeches will cure EVERYTHING!"), Jane recovers. No matter, Bingley is instantly at her heels: "Blanket? Tea? Water? Too hot? Too cold? Toast? Tums? Leeches? Advil? Morphine? Whatchu want? I'll get it!!!!!" Caroline decides to impress Mr. Darcy by reading a book! It may have gone better if she had been holding the book right-side-up. Whatever, she ditches the book and falls on back on the thing that is sure to get Darcy's heart: her boobs. She minces about the room. Mince, mince, mince. Chest high! No good. Damn, what IS Darcy reading, pornography? And then she has it. A sure-fire way of getting Darcy to look at her. She invites Elizabeth to walk with her. Sure enough, Darcy's eyes come off the page. "Join us, Mr. Darcy," coos Caroline. Mince, mince, mince. "No thanks, I'm good. Besides, you're either trying to share girly secrets or show off your boobs. If the first, I'd be in the way, and if the second, I can admire them better from here." Scandalous! Elizabeth wants to tease Mr. Darcy. It's impossible to tease Mr. Darcy, says Caroline, he has no faults. Challenge accepted. Darcy argues that he does have faults, he just doesn't make mistakes when it comes to understanding people. "My good opinion once lost, is lost forever." He says everyone has some defect or other. Elizabeth says "Yes! And yours is to hate everybody." Darcy says, "And yours is to willfully misunderstand them." Caroline thinks, Damn, why is that every attempt I make to seduce Darcy ends up heating things up between him and Liz???? CHAPTER 12 Elizabeth and Jane write to their Mum to ask for the carriage to take them home. Like any rational mother, she instantly sends them the carriage and makes their beds ready for their arrival....right? Of course not! They must stay until Tuesday at least, to finish out the week at Netherfield! Bingley is all STAY, I LOVE YOU! Darcy is all GO, I MIGHT LOVE YOU! Caroline is all GO, HE MIGHT LOVE YOU! So Liz and Jane ask to borrow Bingley's coach, and they go home, much to the dismay of Mrs. Bennet. CHAPTER 13 Allow me to introduce the wonder that is Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins is Mr. Bennet's cousin and closest male relative. The Longbourne estate is entailed to Mr. Collins, meaning that when Mr. Bennet dies, the whole of it will go to Mr. Collins. Having never met the Bennets before (due to a past disagreement between Collins' father and Mr. Bennet), Collins decides it's time to visit the Bennet family, and choose a wife from among the Bennet daughters...like you do, when you meet someone for the first time... Mrs. Bennet couldn't be happier. Oh, did I mention that he's a priest? Yup. He's a priest. But it's the Church of England guys, remember who started that craziness? Henry VIII. See Eddie Izzard for some context. Collins arrives and they sit in the living room and chat. The fact that the room and everything in it could one day belong to the bizarre stranger sitting in the armchair hovers over everything. Mrs. Bennet delicately brings up the elephant in the room--
"THE ENTAIL, oh, it's such an odd thing, isn't it? All my girls will be DESTITUTE, POOR, KICKED TO THE STREETS, should Mr. Bennet die anytime soon, what horror, what sorrow, oh, if only the receiver of this entail would marry one of my daughters and save us from destitution!" "Not to worry, my dear Mrs. Bennet," assures the austere Mr. Collins, "I've come to admire your daughters...." (he proceeds to stare down each of the Bennet girls with a look which he believes to be sexy and alluring, but is in fact, phenomenally creepy and weird) "...Right now I won't say any more, but later--" And Mr. Collins is cut off by a summons to dinner. NEXT WEEK: Mr. Collins Kills Ladies and Mr. Wickham is a Lady-Killer, and we find out Mr. Darcy's secret! Like & Comment below if you're enjoying the series, or if you have a particular style you'd like to see a chapter written in! It's about to be an all-out battle, guys....repressed British-style.
To recap: Caroline wants Darcy. Bingley wants Jane. Darcy doesn't want to want Elizabeth, but let's be real, he does. Elizabeth wants to finish writing her fan fiction Game of Thrones....and possibly figure out why Darcy keeps staring at her all the time. Darcy writes a letter. Elizabeth does needlework. Caroline throws her line out to her prey and waits for a tug. CAROLINE: You write fast, Mr. Darcy! You probably write so many letters! Tell your sister I want to see her! Oh! Your pen broke! Let me fix it! I'm actually good at that! (HISTORICAL INTERLUDE: In those days it was a quill, guys, but they still called it a pen, apparently. Every so often you'd have to sharpen it with a knife) You write so evenly! Tell your sister I think it's awesome she plays harp and her designs for a table are great and I just think she's so great because everything is great and HELLO I AM ACTUALLY IN THIS ROOM EXISTING PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! Darcy coughs. Did you say something? Then Darcy, Bingley and Elizabeth begin a lengthy argument about letter-writing and whether people should be persuaded by their friends' advice (foreshadowing!) and so forth, whilst Caroline plasters a beautiful British smile on her face and shoves that irritation right back down to where it came from. During a lull in the conversation Darcy asks Caroline for music. She practically sprints to the piano and begins to play. And Darcy makes his move. "Doesn't this music make you want to dance a reel*?" Elizabeth is silent. Darcy repeats the question. "Yup, I heard you Darcy, but I know you just want me to say 'yes' so you can frown on my choice of dances*, so nope, I don't want to dance a reel. Despise me if you dare." "I don't dare." Darcy drops the mic. And Elizabeth is all, What the...? * Alright, so I just learned what a reel is and what this whole conversation is about, so I thought I'd share it with you. A reel is a lively dance that's considered to be low social status. It's also the dance that Darcy saw Elizabeth do at the Meryton Assembly, where he said, "She is tolerable, but not handsome to tempt me," which started Elizabeth's disgust with him in the first place. So when Darcy asks Liz to dance a reel, Darcy thinks he's scoring brownie points by offering to do a dance Liz is familiar and comfortable with, while Liz thinks he's trying to find a reason poke fun at her, and her low-brow upbringing. Moral of the story? Stay away from the reel, men. There's just no way it's going to work out for you. And Caroline? Well, having just fueled the fire of Darcy and Elizabeth's sexual tension, she gets Liz out of the room and goes back to reminding Darcy of how humiliating the Bennet family is. Next week: More sexual tension! More repression! More tea! Like & comment below if you're enjoying the series so far! We interrupt your Planet Netherfield program to bring you this awkward, poorly-timed infomercial. Has your sister been sick for several days? Are you worried she's out staying her welcome at her maybe-boyfriend’s house? Are you looking for a good excuse to take her home?
Never fear! The Awkward Mum is here! Here's how she works: 1. Write a letter to us requesting your very own Awkward Mum. 2. We’ll send her over at the worst possible moment. Once she establishes that your sister is not life threateningly ill (medical degree not included), she’s programmed to say something like the following: “OH DEAR!!!!! How terribly ILL my Jane is, oh nooooooo, I think she’s just gonna have to stay longer, oh nooooo, more time for you, Mr. Bingley, to fall in love--ahem--get to know, my dear Jane. WHAT A SHAAAAAME.” 3. We guarantee that anyone within ear-shot will feel so awkward they'll immediately want to disassociate themselves from her, or your money back! 4. In the event that you've got a Mr. Bingley hanging around, one of those sweet, polo-shirt-wearing cutie pies that don't seem to be ruffled by anything, we’ll send in two Awkward Sisters, free of charge! When your Bingley says something like, “Of course, she must stay until she is fully recovered!”, our Awkward Sisters will jump in with: “RIGHT SO MR. BINGLEY, WE LIKE WANNA HAVE A BALL, AND LIKE YOU PROMISED TO HOLD ONE, SO LIKE WHEN IS IT?” 5. This is sure to shake up even the most polite Mr. Bingleys! He may get out a hesitant “When Jane is better, name the day,” but we guarantee no one in that room will want to be associated with your family ever again! Call 555-123-4567 now to order your very own Awkward Mum and Sisters for the low, low payment of just 19.99/month! We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. Hi everyone! A few nights ago we invited our cast of 13 and our designers/crew of 9 to our itty bitty apartment in order to read the script, aloud, all together, for the first time. I was reminded of when I invited about 10 actor friends of mine over several months ago to read the script, and I thought cramming in 10 people would be hard. So 20 should be a piece of cake! Remarkably, armed with food, warmth, massive amounts of art supplies and every available surface in the house, we made it into an absolutely lovely evening. We began with the paperwork, contracts, waivers, all that good stuff, and quickly moved into designer presentations. Despite some of our designers being unavailable (it's what happens when you try to schedule a meeting with 20 people), we had presentations from all of them, giving everyone a better sense of the world we'll be creating with the play. We took a short break and ate some brownies. Before reading, Jordan and I taught everyone how to paint an enso. It was lovely to see such interest in the core philosophy of our company. Enso's abounded and provided a new sense of presence in the room. And then we dove into the script! With three missing actors, our brave ASMs stepped up and filled in for the necessary roles (with brilliance, I might add). So many beautiful moments happened that night. I think my favorite ones were when a cast member read a line completely differently from what I had in my head and an entirely new backstory/insight into that character erupted in front of me. They were adding depth to the piece that I didn't even know was there! Following the read-through, we ate more brownies and pulled out the art supplies. I put out a large foam poster, magazines, markers, glue, post its, etc, and gave instructions to fill the poster with images we thought represented the world of the play, as we currently understand it. Some really exciting images appeared. We will continue to add to it once we begin rehearsals. You'll have to see the show to see the final collage... :)
All in all, a promising start to the process. I wish rehearsals were starting next week! You can see the faces of our cast & crew here. If you'd like to know where we want Enso to go in the next five years, go here or here. If you'd like to see the first update of #enso4you, go here. THANK YOU!! Much love, Caitlin A CAST! A CREW! As it so happens, the same weekend our cast list went out, we also solidified our design ensemble. Our designers are also a wide range of ages and backgrounds, and we are officially international! One or our two sound designers will be doing her work from South Korea, the other from Southern Oregon, and our Choreographer is flying in from California! The web grows. NOW WHAT? Now, we jump into the good stuff. Here's what we have on our to-do list: 1. Discuss music for dance sequences with Logan & Cinthia (our sound designers) 2. Ask Julie (our choreographer) to create outline for Netherfield dance scene 3. Ask Kensie (our costume designer) to share her sketches of costumes 4. Ask Kelly (our lighting designer) to share her inspiration images of lighting 5. Meet with Michael (our set designer) to discuss his presentation of set ideas at first table-read 6. Write out the order of events for our first table-read (Next Wednesday!) 7. Figure out how to fit 20 people in our living room for table-read. There's a lot more but I won't fill your head with all my mumbo-jumbo (just some) :). SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: On top of all this stuff for Pride & Prejudice, Jordan and I have been making some headway on what our next project(s) will be! Here's a hint: Our next show involves 4 actors, a super cut-up script, and a rose... On the day we remind ourselves to #spreadthelove (ie, Valentines Day), ye shall check your email inbox and then ye shall be in-the-know. And we will bring some love to ye! Here, here! Check it out! CREATIONS? WHAT CREATIONS? Two big things happening at the moment: 1. I continue to paraphrase "Pride & Prejudice" (and I'm probably making Jane turn in her grave...sorry Jane!). Check out the latest chapter, released TODAY: "Chapter 8: Planet Netherfield (narrated by David Attenborough)" 2. #enso4you began January 1st, 2016 and continues to fulfill and frustrate me. For anyone that isn't clued-in, #enso4you is my journey to create an enso-a-day for the people, places and things that inspire me creatively. My first update has been posted! Check it out! 3. And finally, a new creation project will be starting up soon, called Darcy Dub!! Can't say too much more on that yet, but I promise hilarity, Colin Firth and lip-dubbing (No Colin Firth was actually used or harmed in the making of Darcy Dub).
Thank you, as always, for everyone's continued support! We got good stuff in the making. Now back to work. Best, Caitlin P.S. You can see the cast & design team here: www.ensotheatre.com/shows. Yay! To Catch You Up: On January 1st of 2016 I set out to create an Enso-a-day for one year. Each Enso is meant to thank a person, place or thing that has inspired me creatively. You can find a few on facebook using #enso4you (and in the future they will mostly be on Twitter/Instagram, same hashtag). An Enso is a symbol created on an exhale of breath which represents a moment when the mind is free to let the body create. So begin my #enso4you check-ins. Hello January/February! Creativity, to me, is moving the mind away from the self. I'd like my acts of creation to break through the selfish hamster wheel of my mind, open a window and say, Well hello! How can I help you today? In other words, the Enso. What was different this month? What was the same? It has not been easy. And I'll be completely honest--I have not created an enso every single day yet. But even creating the ones I have has already made a difference. Even the act of deciding I was going on this journey has brought a new level of awareness that I didn't expect. When I get up in the morning, typically at some horrendous hour that even the sun has decided is not for him, there's a struggle: do I get up and meditate and do my enso? Or do I sleep or five more minutes? Most of the time, the alarm is snoozed. But just the thought drifting through my foggy brain of: Oh yeah, enso, awareness, giving and love and stuff...has made me more aware of opportunities to create & to give. I may hit the snooze button, but I've found that once I do get up, I make sure the living room looks nice for when my partner wakes. I don't rush to my emails and work--instead I eat breakfast and read the news. I give myself little 10-second moments to breathe when I'm in the car, instead of following the racecourse of my mind. I pay attention to where I'm holding tension, and I try to release it, just a little bit. It's so small. But it has made such a big difference and has affected my interactions with others for the rest of the day. My day-job is as a nanny, so it is imperative that I'm the best version of myself as much as I can possibly be. I am definitely not that perfect and there are moments I'm not proud of. But over the last month, I've noticed some differences in how I've responded to certain situations. For example: My 4-yr old refuses to eat breakfast. Again. Instead of grabbing my pitchfork and torch and being all, Alright, girly, let's battle this out! I've started taking a little breath before I say anything. Sometimes I try to get her to think about how she will feel later on if she doesn't eat breakfast. Sometimes I sing this song she loves and to which I've added "Take a bite!" at the end of each verse. Sometimes I pretend our invisible friend Sammy is in the room, and I say very loudly, "Okay, Sammy, don't eat her breakfast!" and then I put my hands over my eyes and peek through the gaps to see her sneakily taking a bite as she cheerily declares: "Look Caitlin! Sammy ate my breakfast!" Sometimes we battle it out. But it's happened less and less over the last month that I've been practicing the #enso4you exercise. I guess I thought that giving myself the task of creating an enso every day would make it easier for me to meditate as well. That hasn't really happened yet. But then again, I also haven't been super consistent about making the ensos. Plus meditating at 6am is akin to coming out of anethesia and then trying to brainstorm ideas to solve climate change. So maybe I need to take a step back a bit. Let go of meditating, at least for a little while, and just try to create my enso in the morning. With love and forgiveness and strongly caffeinated tea. What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? Before I went to paint the Enso, I noticed brain giving myself little high-fives for remembering to actually do it. While painting the Enso, I noticed that right at the midway point, when the brush needs to come around to complete the circle, I always have this little moment of panic: What if it doesn't look good? What if I fail at making these? Do I really know what I'm doing?? After each Enso was created, there was sometimes a little sigh of relief, especially if I thought it looked good. If it didn't look good, it took every cell in my body not to create another one and post that one instead. CREATE YOUR OWN #ENSO4YOU JOURNEY: If you would like to make one Enso, or even join me on this wild journey, here are the guidelines I'm following: 1. The Enso can be made out of anything, but it must be made out of things I already own. 2. I will post and update once a month on www.ensotheatre.com/blog. 3. The update will answer the questions: What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? What was different? What was the same? Try to create your enso at around the same time each day. I've found that this makes it both easier and harder, but it creates a habit, which ultimately, is what I want to find. A different habit of mind. For the mornings when a creative enso is just not going to happen, I use something called a Sumi-e Board. You can paint on it with water and it immediately evaporates, so you can use it again and again. The cheapest one I found is $15, you can get it online here. Or you can just get out some printer paper and watercolor paints and there you are! And if you do explore this, comment here! Or email me privately! I'd love to here how it's going for you, and if it's made any difference in your life. As always, THANK YOU, for being on the path with me. With love, Caitlin JANUARY ENSOs: FEBRUARY ENSOs:
(please read the following as David Attenborough:)
Planet Netherfield is a place like nowhere else on earth. Only here can you find a rare mixing of upper and lower class species, each determined to do whatever they must to survive. We zero in on a particular part of the jungle, where we will see a unique glimpse into the gossip ritual that precedes the hunt. Here, we are looking at two female Bingley Cats discussing the qualities of an Elizabeth Tiger (or Liz Tiger, for short): “She's so proud, impertinent, terrible manners, nothing to talk about, horrible taste, not particularly pretty, and her family!! Good lord, how will they marry off five daughters with a mother like that? The only thing she has going for her is she is a good walker! (Here it looks as though the female Bingley cats are laughing!) Did you see her paws? Six inches deep in mud!!” A male Bingley Cat seems to be defending the Liz Tiger: "Guuuuuysss, why you gotta be so mean?" And the Darcy Bird makes a squawk! "I liked her eyes." Fascinating. The comment from the Darcy Bird has confused the female Bingley Cats. Awkward silence settles over the jungle. But look! See there! Into this scene of growing tension returns the Liz Tiger, having no idea what is already underway. The Caroline Bingley Cat eyes her competition, and begins to make her move on her prey (the Darcy Bird). She must be careful. She cannot make any sudden movement that would alert her prey as to her intentions. Slowly she circles him. To avoid detection, she begins a mating dance, a series of questions aimed at Darcy Bird's younger sister, Georgiana. Let's watch as she approaches him: "How tall is Georgiana now?.....I wish I could see Georgiana!.....How wonderful she is!" The prey has not yet taken the bait, but the predator is not finished yet. "She has such good manners, and so pretty!.....She is so accomplished for her age!......Is she still playing piano?" Someone snaps at the bait, but alas, it is not the prey she was hoping for: the male Bingley Cat chimes in: "I think all ladies are accomplished." The Caroline Cat turns on him, but she cannot destroy him without ruining the favor of her prey. “All of them, Charles?” she spits through clenched fangs. "Yeah!" he replies. But it works! Somehow the interference of the brother has stirred the prey toward the bait. The Darcy Bird offers: "I don't know more than six ladies that truly deserve the term ‘accomplished.’" The Caroline Cat licks her lips. But alas! The Liz Tiger interferes: “Then you must have a prolific understanding of the term ‘accomplished woman’,” the Liz Tiger says, stealing the Darcy Bird's attention. “I do” says the Darcy Bird. Now the Caroline Cat must win back the attention of the Darcy Bird, or all is lost. In a last, desperate measure to snag her prey, the Caroline Cat announces that “Yes, no one can really be called accomplished unless they can sing, draw, dance, speak several languages and have a certain je ne sais quoi in their walk.” Oh! And this is truly extraordinary, a rare moment when we witness the Caroline Cat mince around her prey: yes, there she goes, mince, mince, mince. But will it work? “And of course, she must read all the time,” says the Darcy Bird. Caroline Cat looks where the Darcy Bird is looking--at Liz Tiger, who is….oh no….reading a book. All is lost. The Caroline Cat slinks back into the shadows. And, interestingly enough, the Liz Tiger does not go for the kill, but instead, she too leaves the battlefield. And what's this? A hungry look on the face of the Darcy Bird...well, I say. This has been another episode of David Attenborough’s “Planet Netherfield.” Tune in next week for our next exploration of the mysterious creatures of Planet Netherfield! The Boys Are Back In Town! The Boys being the militia, of course. Who doesn't love a man in uniform?
Catherine (Kitty) and Lydia, the two youngest Bennet daughters, certainly do. They've been trekking out to Meryton (a neighboring town) three or four times a week to meet them all. We'll get back to this in a bit... We interrupt these musings to bring you a special Letter from Netherfield (this is the beginning of a LOT of letters, guys. I'll try to keep it interesting but don't say I didn't warn you). "Dear Jane, If you don't get your pretty behind over here ASAP and join my sister and I for cupcakes, we are gonna pull each other's hair out with boredom. The boys are out with the officers, so it's GIRLS NIGHT!!!! Do it. Yours ever, Caroline Bingley P.S. Did I mention we have CUPCAKES?????" Lydia is all, OFFICERS!?!?! Mum is all, But, but, no Bingley??!!! Jane is all, Cupcakes! Just then, the heavens open and drench the earth (it is England, after all). Mum looks outside. The cogs begin to turn. 'Yes,' she says, 'You should go have cupcakes with Caroline.' A devilish smile crosses her face. 'And you should go on horseback.' Jane looks outside. 'Ummmm can I just take the car? (The coach)' 'Your father needs the car. Don't you honey?' Mr. Bennet looks up from his newspaper. 'Did you say something dear?' So it's settled. Jane grimly leaves Longbourne on horseback and is drenched by the time she reaches Netherfield. Jane grows I'll and sends a letter the next day (here we go!) to let her family know that she won't be coming home any time soon. Mr. Bennet says, Well, my dear, if Jane should die, it would be a comfort to know that it was all in pursuit of Mr. Bingley. [that's pretty much straight from the text. Well said, Miss Austen] Mrs. Bennet couldn't be happier. Because of course, this means Jane is forced to spend more time with Mr. Bingley. And fall in love. And get married. And save the family from financial ruin. [Side Note: Okay, is there something about girls with runny noses and headaches that totally turn guys on? Because this is definitely a recurring Austen thing. The heroine runs out into the rain, gets sick, and then all the dudes are like, "Oh my dear, that snot coming out of your nose is so sexy, let's get married." I don't know about you, but I am NOT sexy when I am sick. The last thing I want when I'm on the couch in my jammies with tissues stuck up my nose, is some dude in tight pants kneeling in front of me declaring his love for me. Move, I'm trying to watch Pride and Prejudice.) ANYWAY Lizzie is like, Yeah, you guys are crazy. I'm going to go check on my sister. So she walks to Netherfield in the mud and cold and arrives while Bingley, Darcy, Caroline and her sisters are having breakfast. Lizzie steps through the door with windswept hair, rosy cheeks, bright eyes and muddy boots. Darcy's Thoughts: Hottttttt Caroline's Thoughts: No, no, no don't track mud all over my new floor, bad dog, bad!! Bingley's Thoughts: The toast looks a bit burnt, doesn't it? Lizzie goes to see Jane, (who really is pretty sick, thanks a lot Mum), and is invited by the Bingleys to stay overnight to make sure Jane gets better. Lizzie agrees. And so the drama at Netherfield Park begins to unfold... To be continued next week! |