Chapter 7: How to Seduce a Boy: Part 2 (with tissues up your nose)

The Boys Are Back In Town! The Boys being the militia, of course. Who doesn't love a man in uniform?

Catherine (Kitty) and Lydia, the two youngest Bennet daughters, certainly do. They've been trekking out to Meryton (a neighboring town) three or four times a week to meet them all. We'll get back to this in a bit...

We interrupt these musings to bring you a special Letter from Netherfield (this is the beginning of a LOT of letters, guys. I'll try to keep it interesting but don't say I didn't warn you).

"Dear Jane,

If you don't get your pretty behind over here ASAP and join my sister and I for cupcakes, we are gonna pull each other's hair out with boredom. The boys are out with the officers, so it's GIRLS NIGHT!!!! Do it.

Yours ever,

Caroline Bingley

P.S. Did I mention we have CUPCAKES?????"

Lydia is all, OFFICERS!?!?!

Mum is all, But, but, no Bingley??!!!

Jane is all, Cupcakes!

Just then, the heavens open and drench the earth (it is England, after all).

Mum looks outside. The cogs begin to turn. 'Yes,' she says, 'You should go have cupcakes with Caroline.' A devilish smile crosses her face. 'And you should go on horseback.'

Jane looks outside. 'Ummmm can I just take the car? (The coach)'

'Your father needs the car. Don't you honey?'

Mr. Bennet looks up from his newspaper. 'Did you say something dear?'

So it's settled. Jane grimly leaves Longbourne on horseback and is drenched by the time she reaches Netherfield. Jane grows I'll and sends a letter the next day (here we go!) to let her family know that she won't be coming home any time soon.

Mr. Bennet says, Well, my dear, if Jane should die, it would be a comfort to know that it was all in pursuit of Mr. Bingley.

[that's pretty much straight from the text. Well said, Miss Austen]

Mrs. Bennet couldn't be happier. Because of course, this means Jane is forced to spend more time with Mr. Bingley. And fall in love. And get married. And save the family from financial ruin.

[Side Note: Okay, is there something about girls with runny noses and headaches that totally turn guys on? Because this is definitely a recurring Austen thing. The heroine runs out into the rain, gets sick, and then all the dudes are like, "Oh my dear, that snot coming out of your nose is so sexy, let's get married." I don't know about you, but I am NOT sexy when I am sick. The last thing I want when I'm on the couch in my jammies with tissues stuck up my nose, is some dude in tight pants kneeling in front of me declaring his love for me. Move, I'm trying to watch Pride and Prejudice.)

ANYWAY

Lizzie is like, Yeah, you guys are crazy. I'm going to go check on my sister.

So she walks to Netherfield in the mud and cold and arrives while Bingley, Darcy, Caroline and her sisters are having breakfast. Lizzie steps through the door with windswept hair, rosy cheeks, bright eyes and muddy boots.

Darcy's Thoughts: Hottttttt
Caroline's Thoughts: No, no, no don't track mud all over my new floor, bad dog, bad!!
Bingley's Thoughts: The toast looks a bit burnt, doesn't it?

Lizzie goes to see Jane, (who really is pretty sick, thanks a lot Mum), and is invited by the Bingleys to stay overnight to make sure Jane gets better. Lizzie agrees.

And so the drama at Netherfield Park begins to unfold...

​To be continued next week!