Chapter 9: 'Awkward Mum' Infomercial

We interrupt your Planet Netherfield program to bring you this awkward, poorly-timed infomercial.

Has your sister been sick for several days? Are you worried she's out staying her welcome at her maybe-boyfriend’s house? Are you looking for a good excuse to take her home?

Never fear! The Awkward Mum is here!

Here's how she works:

1. Write a letter to us requesting your very own Awkward Mum.

2. We’ll send her over at the worst possible moment. Once she establishes that your sister is not life threateningly ill (medical degree not included), she’s programmed to say something like the following:

“OH DEAR!!!!! How terribly ILL my Jane is, oh nooooooo, I think she’s just gonna have to stay longer, oh nooooo, more time for you, Mr. Bingley, to fall in love--ahem--get to know, my dear Jane. WHAT A SHAAAAAME.”

3. We guarantee that anyone within ear-shot will feel so awkward they'll immediately want to disassociate themselves from her, or your money back!

4. In the event that you've got a Mr. Bingley hanging around, one of those sweet, polo-shirt-wearing cutie pies that don't seem to be ruffled by anything, we’ll send in two Awkward Sisters, free of charge! When your Bingley says something like, “Of course, she must stay until she is fully recovered!”, our Awkward Sisters will jump in with:

“RIGHT SO MR. BINGLEY, WE LIKE WANNA HAVE A BALL, AND LIKE YOU PROMISED TO HOLD ONE, SO LIKE WHEN IS IT?”

5. This is sure to shake up even the most polite Mr. Bingleys! He may get out a hesitant “When Jane is better, name the day,” but we guarantee no one in that room will want to be associated with your family ever again!

Call 555-123-4567 now to order your very own Awkward Mum and Sisters for the low, low payment of just 19.99/month!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.