Elizabeth tells her sister Jane all about what Wickham told her, and how Darcy basically ruined his life.
Jane puts on her rose-colored glasses and closely examines the situation--
--Darcy couldn't possibly be so horrid as Wickham claims, who could do such a thing? To disobey your fathers’ dying wish??
--But that would mean Wickham is lying, and how could Wickham do such a thing? To make up such a horrid story, and potentially ostracize Darcy and all connected to him (Oh no! Bingley!)??
There must be some mistake.
Their musings are interrupted by Bingley himself, who invites everyone to the Netherfield Ball.
Jane is all, YES!! More time with hunka hunka burnin’ love Bingley!
Liz is all, YES!! More time with hunka hunka burnin’ love Wickham!
Lydia is all, ME TOO!
Kitty is all, ME THREE!
Mr. Collins is all, I will dance with Elizabeth for the first two dances!
Liz is all, Shit.
The Netherfield Ball. A rap.
Here's the story of a lady by the name of Lizzie,
She really liked this fella, he made her kinda dizzy.
She was so excited, to get to the ball,
And dance with the man, that she liked to call...
Wickham was his name, he had a great head o’ hair,
But when Lizzie arrived, Mr. Wickham wasn't there!
Wickham wasn't there…
Dazed and confused, she looked all around,
But her Mr. Right just couldn't be found.
When what to her wondering eyes should appear
But--Oh, no that's Collins, we don't want him here.
But Collins was persistent--we gotta give him that,
So she danced with him--ratta tat tat…
Nope mr. Collins, it's to the left, to the left Mr. Collins, your left, mr. Collins, now you're stepping on my toes, okay and this dance is over...
Moving right along...
Lizzie ditched Collins and headed to the bar
She ordered a drink but didn't get very far
When a voice started speaking, it surely wasn't Pharsi,
She turned around and saw that it was Darcy--
Will you dance with me? Is what the voice said
And Lizzie, she musta been outta her head!
She stuttered she faltered, ,blood suga was low
She said, Alright, I'll give it a go!
Lizzie couldn't believe what she'd just done,
Dancing with Darcy just couldn't be fun
He was mean, he was proud, a horrible dude
Stuck up, arrogant, and just plain rude
They started the dance, no one was talkin’
So Liz thought she'd go ahead and mock mock mock him
It's your turn to talk, she said with a grin
And Darcy asked what would give him a win?
And that's when Lizzie got a wicked idea
She brought up Wickham and the mil-i-tia
Militia militia I meant to say militia
Darcy went red and he got super mad
But he held his temper, said Wickham was bad
Lizzie disagreed, she hated him now,
When the dance was over, she left with a bow
And here comes Caroline to tell us more,
And for once she's not behavin like a whore
Wickham isn't really such a great man
Says Caroline to Wickham’s number one fan
But Lizzie she ignores her, and turns away,
Only to find that it's Embarrassment Day!
Lydia’s drinking, Kitty is too,
Mom is gabbin’, what else is new?
Mary is singin at the top of her lungs
And Collins he's actin like a big pile o dung
Poor Lizzie is caught, what can she do?
But try to pretend that her relations are few
On it went, to the end of the night
When at last, sweet relief, the end was in sight
But of course Mama Bennet, she had to postpone
So dear sweet Jane could have a husband of her own.
But finally, finally, the carriage was sent
And the Bennet's climbed in, they were homeward bent
And that's the end of my story y’all
This was the story of the Netherfield Ball.
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Caitlin Lushington is the Co-Artistic Director of the Enso Theatre Ensemble, a teacher, director, and actress. Sometimes she works too hard, sometimes she forgets things, and she strives to put the car keys back in the same place every time. She drinks tea every morning from her TARDIS mug and "Mr. Tea" diffuser. She loves the morning and wishes she had a photographic memory, so she could remember the names of every person she meets.
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