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What was different this month? What was the same? The same this month was that I struggled with keeping my ensos daily. I didn't follow my June goal of writing out a stream-of-consciousness thought rant before watching TV. I did find a couple of moments of mindfulness when going up or down stairs. Mostly, though, mindfulness came when I was in transition--driving the car, walking to my next thing that I had to do, getting ready to rehearse--and I needed a couple of breaths to center myself. So I think that's good. This month was HUGELY packed. All the ensos you see below were very spur of the moment--except for maybe the rainbow one. That one I made after the Orlando shooting. Everything else I made in rehearsal, at work or while filming something for Enso Theatre. I think that's good too. Creating an enso may not be a daily routine yet, but it's certainly an integrated part of my life, which means that when I need it most--that space--I can pretty easily find it. Breathe. Love. Create. Repeat. Follow us on Instagram to see what or who all these ensos are dedicated to! (it might be YOU!) What is #Enso4You? On January 1st of 2016 I set out to create an Enso-a-day for one year. Each Enso is meant to thank a person, place or thing that has inspired me. Every month I check in on this blog to assess the difference this practice is making in my day to day life. An Enso is a symbol created on an exhale of breath which represents a moment when the mind is free, to let the body create. The #enso4you's are posted on Instagram, Twitter, and more rarely, Facebook. CREATE YOUR OWN #ENSO4YOU JOURNEY:
If you would like to make one Enso, or even join me on this wild journey, here are the guidelines I'm following: 1. The Enso can be made out of anything, but it must be made out of things I already own. 2. I will post and update once a month on www.ensotheatre.com/blog. 3. The update will answer the questions: What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? What was different? What was the same? Sometimes I use a Sumi-e Board to paint my ensos. All you need is water and a paintbrush, and as soon as you paint your enso, it starts to evaporate and you can paint again. The cheapest one I found is $15, you can get it online here. Leave a comment and/or a picture if you make an enso! I'd love to chat with you about your experience. As always, THANK YOU, for being on the path with me. With love, Caitlin
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What was different this month? What was the same? And just when I think I've got a good hold on how to make this a regular practice...May hits. How??!! WHY??!! Why is it so hard to do something every day? This thing literally takes 30 seconds, and frequently less, to create. Why is it so hard to create a habitual practice that takes so little time? It must not have anything to do with the time it takes to do the practice. Which means that it would be equally hard to make a 20-minute meditation practice a regular, every day thing. Maybe it has to do with priority? On days when I feel good, the #enso4you practice, and my meditation practice, do not take priority. I'm fine, I think, so why do I need to take time for myself today? Sheesh, it sounds so weird when I actually write it out. Taking space, taking time for oneself, that should be equivalent to needing to drink water every day. It SHOULD BE, so why is it NOT? There are other things that pose as self-love time that are easier to do and less scary. Television. Reading Facebook. I've associated "relaxation" with TV and couches and blankets since I was a kid. But it's not like my brain is easing up on the churning of the to-do list while I'm watching TV, it's just putting it on mute. As soon as the TV is gone, the thoughts are back. And honestly, I never really feel "relaxed" after watching TV--frequently I just feel bad about all the things I didn't do that I should have been doing while I was watching TV. So maybe, relaxation, for me, isn't about ignoring the churning to-do list. It's there. I need to recognize it. What if every time I watched a TV show, (because dude, I am NOT giving up Archer...or Doctor Who...or Grantchester) I took a moment to breathe, watch those worried thoughts race around, listen to the things I think that I should be doing, and write them down? I wonder if the act of writing them in that moment will help me to be present in this nice, relaxing moment of watching Archer get yelled at by Lana...again. I already do this to some extent. I am a chronic List-Maker. But maybe it's important that this happens before I'm about to let myself off the hook for a while. There's this other practice I've been thinking about recently and considering putting into implementation: Monks at a Buddhist temple would give themselves a cue that happens in daily life as a reminder to take a moment of mindfulness. For one Monk, it was a "bell"--which could literally mean, a bell, but it could also mean a cellphone ring, a bird chirping, a doorbell. And anytime he heard it, he would stop, take a small breath, check in, and keep going. Alright, June Goals: 1. Write out to-do/Stream-of-Consciousness thoughts for 30 seconds before watching TV. 2. Take a moment of mindfulness every time I go up or down stairs.
What is #Enso4You? On January 1st of 2016 I set out to create an Enso-a-day for one year. Each Enso is meant to thank a person, place or thing that has inspired me. Every month I check in on this blog to assess the difference this practice is making in my day to day life. An Enso is a symbol created on an exhale of breath which represents a moment when the mind is free, to let the body create. The #enso4you's are posted on Instagram, Twitter, and more rarely, Facebook. CREATE YOUR OWN #ENSO4YOU JOURNEY:
If you would like to make one Enso, or even join me on this wild journey, here are the guidelines I'm following: 1. The Enso can be made out of anything, but it must be made out of things I already own. 2. I will post and update once a month on www.ensotheatre.com/blog. 3. The update will answer the questions: What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? What was different? What was the same? Sometimes I use a Sumi-e Board to paint my ensos. All you need is water and a paintbrush, and as soon as you paint your enso, it starts to evaporate and you can paint again. The cheapest one I found is $15, you can get it online here. Leave a comment and/or a picture if you make an enso! I'd love to chat with you about your experience. As always, THANK YOU, for being on the path with me. With love, Caitlin What is #Enso4You? On January 1st of 2016 I set out to create an Enso-a-day for one year. Each Enso is meant to thank a person, place or thing that has inspired me creatively. Every month I check in on this blog to assess the difference this practice is making in my day to day life. An Enso is a symbol created on an exhale of breath which represents a moment when the mind is free, to let the body create. They are posted on Instagram, Twitter, and more rarely, Facebook. APRIL What was different this month? What was the same? This month my meditation practice, which typically accompanied my enso practice, went out the window. BUT my enso practice got better, and I continued to see its affect in my day to day life. As I painted or created each enso, I watched various thoughts arise and I was able to let them go with more ease. For me, this practice is not about "clearing" my thoughts: dude, that's just not going to happen. My brain is "on" from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep. But what HAS started happening, is a little gap between thought and reaction. Here's a real-life example of this: April was a really tough month. I was scrambling to get as many Enso Theatre items checked off before I start rehearsals for my internship production, and I was simultaneously managing all of the marketing for said production. I was working and trying to make time for my relationship and for myself. And taxes. Oh the joys of taxes. The exhaustion and stress would manifest in other areas of my life. The four-year-old I nanny is going through a boundary-pushing phase. One afternoon, I asked her to clean up some of her toys, and she just stared back at me. Didn't say no, didn't yell or scream or anything, just stared blankly. I asked again. No response. My stomach tightened and I had this wave of anger rush over me. There was an impulse, a thought, to raise my voice, to be stern, to threaten her with a time-out.... ...and right at that moment, I took a little breath and there was a little gap between the impulse and the action. It's hard to describe, that's as close as I can get: a gap. I released the thought, and I tried to think of other ways I might react. For example, why was she being silent? Maybe she wanted something she didn't know how to ask for? What was going on inside her head? I chose that path. I asked her what she was thinking about. She wanted to sit and read. I said we could do that, after we cleaned up. And she cleaned up her toys. What happened before, during and after creating the enso? This month, I noticed that if I sat on my meditation cushion for a little while, even for 30 seconds, the enso I created afterward tended to have fewer angles than if I painted the enso and didn't sit at all. The angles in the circle always happened when I started getting impatient and I just wanted to finish the enso quickly. And this is not like a big display of impatience: this is a super subtle thing that I would notice with my thoughts. I would start off strong, moving the brush with my breath, but as my exhale started running out, I'd get this feeling like: gah, I'm going to run out of breath!! Better finish quick! Or a To-Do item would come up in my head, and I'd think, Oh shit, I gotta go finish that. And I wouldn't see the enso through to the end. I'm trying not to judge myself on this. It's just where I'm at right now. Just trying to maintain a steady awareness of what's happening in my head, so the next time I get close to saying or doing something that might hurt someone else, or myself....maybe I won't. Or maybe I still will, but instead of leaping to it right away, there will be this moment of, There's a choice to be made here. What choice are you going to make in this moment? And hopefully, over time, that gap will grow and expand, until making that choice to be kind, be well, be patient, will be easier. Follow us on Instagram to see what or who all these ensos are dedicated to! (it might be to YOU!) CREATE YOUR OWN #ENSO4YOU JOURNEY:
If you would like to make one Enso, or even join me on this wild journey, here are the guidelines I'm following: 1. The Enso can be made out of anything, but it must be made out of things I already own. 2. I will post and update once a month on www.ensotheatre.com/blog. 3. The update will answer the questions: What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? What was different? What was the same? Try to create your enso at around the same time each day. I've found that this makes it both easier and harder, but it creates a habit, which ultimately, is what I want to find. A different habit of mind. Sometimes I use a Sumi-e Board to paint my ensos. All you need is water and a paintbrush, and as soon as you paint your enso, it starts to evaporate and you can paint again. The cheapest one I found is $15, you can get it online here. Leave a comment and/or a picture if you make an enso! I'd love to chat with you about your experience. As always, THANK YOU, for being on the path with me. With love, Caitlin What is #Enso4You?On January 1st of 2016 I set out to create an Enso-a-day for one year. Each Enso is meant to thank a person, place or thing that has inspired me creatively. Every month I check in on this blog to assess the difference this practice is making in my day to day life. An Enso is a symbol created on an exhale of breath which represents a moment when the mind is free, to let the body create. They are posted on Instagram, Twitter, and more rarely, Facebook. What was different this month? What was the same? I got pretty close to making an enso every day this month, though I'm still not perfect. This month I noticed that I wanted to make ensos out of lots of different things. I kept fearing that I would run out of ideas of things to make ensos out of, but the next morning I would look around me and there was always something new to be found. We never run out of ideas! What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created?The early ensos of this month were plagued by that same thought: What if it's not perfect and nice to look at? But as I continued to be more regular about my practice, this thought started letting go. I started getting excited by the ensos that turned out weird or lopsided. When I finished the enso, I would look at it and try to see if I could glean anything about the state of my mind by how it formed. Sometimes I thought I could, sometimes I couldn't. In making the "creative" ensos, ie, not with paint/my Sumi-e Board, I often forgot about the breath. I'd like to work on that. However, I did find that very frequently this month when I was traveling to or from a job, I would take conscious breaths to center myself. Or look for natural ensos formed in the world around me. This had a HUGE effect on the rapid state of my thoughts, and it reminded me to let go of my tight grip on a particular thought. I'd say overall the month of March was a big step forward in terms of increasing my awareness of my surroundings and my state of mind. Follow us on Instagram to see what or who all these ensos are dedicated to! (it might be to YOU!)CREATE YOUR OWN #ENSO4YOU JOURNEY:
 To Catch You Up: On January 1st of 2016 I set out to create an Enso-a-day for one year. Each Enso is meant to thank a person, place or thing that has inspired me creatively. You can find a few on facebook using #enso4you (and in the future they will mostly be on Twitter/Instagram, same hashtag). An Enso is a symbol created on an exhale of breath which represents a moment when the mind is free to let the body create. So begin my #enso4you check-ins. Hello January/February! Creativity, to me, is moving the mind away from the self. I'd like my acts of creation to break through the selfish hamster wheel of my mind, open a window and say, Well hello! How can I help you today? In other words, the Enso.  What was different this month? What was the same? It has not been easy. And I'll be completely honest--I have not created an enso every single day yet. But even creating the ones I have has already made a difference. Even the act of deciding I was going on this journey has brought a new level of awareness that I didn't expect. When I get up in the morning, typically at some horrendous hour that even the sun has decided is not for him, there's a struggle: do I get up and meditate and do my enso? Or do I sleep or five more minutes? Most of the time, the alarm is snoozed. But just the thought drifting through my foggy brain of: Oh yeah, enso, awareness, giving and love and stuff...has made me more aware of opportunities to create & to give. I may hit the snooze button, but I've found that once I do get up, I make sure the living room looks nice for when my partner wakes. I don't rush to my emails and work--instead I eat breakfast and read the news. I give myself little 10-second moments to breathe when I'm in the car, instead of following the racecourse of my mind. I pay attention to where I'm holding tension, and I try to release it, just a little bit. It's so small. But it has made such a big difference and has affected my interactions with others for the rest of the day. My day-job is as a nanny, so it is imperative that I'm the best version of myself as much as I can possibly be. I am definitely not that perfect and there are moments I'm not proud of. But over the last month, I've noticed some differences in how I've responded to certain situations. For example: My 4-yr old refuses to eat breakfast. Again. Instead of grabbing my pitchfork and torch and being all, Alright, girly, let's battle this out! I've started taking a little breath before I say anything. Sometimes I try to get her to think about how she will feel later on if she doesn't eat breakfast. Sometimes I sing this song she loves and to which I've added "Take a bite!" at the end of each verse. Sometimes I pretend our invisible friend Sammy is in the room, and I say very loudly, "Okay, Sammy, don't eat her breakfast!" and then I put my hands over my eyes and peek through the gaps to see her sneakily taking a bite as she cheerily declares: "Look Caitlin! Sammy ate my breakfast!" Sometimes we battle it out. But it's happened less and less over the last month that I've been practicing the #enso4you exercise. I guess I thought that giving myself the task of creating an enso every day would make it easier for me to meditate as well. That hasn't really happened yet. But then again, I also haven't been super consistent about making the ensos. Plus meditating at 6am is akin to coming out of anethesia and then trying to brainstorm ideas to solve climate change. So maybe I need to take a step back a bit. Let go of meditating, at least for a little while, and just try to create my enso in the morning. With love and forgiveness and strongly caffeinated tea.  What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? Before I went to paint the Enso, I noticed brain giving myself little high-fives for remembering to actually do it. While painting the Enso, I noticed that right at the midway point, when the brush needs to come around to complete the circle, I always have this little moment of panic: What if it doesn't look good? What if I fail at making these? Do I really know what I'm doing?? After each Enso was created, there was sometimes a little sigh of relief, especially if I thought it looked good. If it didn't look good, it took every cell in my body not to create another one and post that one instead. CREATE YOUR OWN #ENSO4YOU JOURNEY: If you would like to make one Enso, or even join me on this wild journey, here are the guidelines I'm following: 1. The Enso can be made out of anything, but it must be made out of things I already own. 2. I will post and update once a month on www.ensotheatre.com/blog. 3. The update will answer the questions: What did you notice before, during and after each Enso was created? What was different? What was the same? Try to create your enso at around the same time each day. I've found that this makes it both easier and harder, but it creates a habit, which ultimately, is what I want to find. A different habit of mind. For the mornings when a creative enso is just not going to happen, I use something called a Sumi-e Board. You can paint on it with water and it immediately evaporates, so you can use it again and again. The cheapest one I found is $15, you can get it online here. Or you can just get out some printer paper and watercolor paints and there you are! And if you do explore this, comment here! Or email me privately! I'd love to here how it's going for you, and if it's made any difference in your life. As always, THANK YOU, for being on the path with me. With love, Caitlin JANUARY ENSOs: FEBRUARY ENSOs: |
