Pride & Paraphrase: Chapter 1

Take Jane Austen's classic tale, "Pride and Prejudice."  Peel away the barrier of language. Cut off both ends of the unclear historical references. Take the pulp, stick it in a blender. Add 3 cups of humor, a teaspoon of internet slang, and a pinch of historical explanation. Blend until smooth and casual. Zap it with a bolt of Inspiration for a delicious, modern-day Austen the whole family will love!

A new chapter each week! Click "recommend" on the right to receive Facebook updates when a new chapter is released!

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CHAPTER 1
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​Everyone knows that if you're a single dude with money, you want to put a ring on it.

In fact, if you fall into the above category and you decide to move to Longbourne, England, you can pretty much assume that the mothers of the town have already picked out flower arrangements and bridesmaid dresses and only need to consult you on which of their unmarried daughters you'll be taking off their hands.

Mrs. Bennet had 5 unmarried daughters. 

(Historical Interlude: At this time, property, status and income was passed on to the eldest son. Without a son, the inheritance went to the closest male relative, no matter how weird, awkward or vaguely creepy they might be (we'll get to that in a bit). Unmarried women and widows were left to the mercy of this male heir.)

Which is why the arrival of the young, handsome, and wonderfully single Mr. Bingley was a BFD.

So Mrs. Bennet said to Mr. Bennet, Hey, did you know this rich guy just moved into Netherfield Park (a big, beautiful estate nearby)?

And Mr. Bennet was like, Nope.

And Mrs. Bennet said, Well his name is Bingley, and he's rich, and he's SINGLE. Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

So?

So!?!? He should marry one of our daughters!

Is that why he moved here?

Of course not, but he'll probably fall in love with one of them, so get off your butt and go visit him! I have to go pick out flower arrangements.

Nah.

(Historical Interlude: Proper acquaintances were made head of the household, who had to visit the new person first before the females could be introduced. Yeah, I don't really get it either. But there ya go.)

Mr. Bennet! Think of your daughters!

Why don't you go, and I'll send a letter saying he can marry whichever daughter he chooses. I'll throw in a good word for Lizzie.

OH MY GOODNESS!! What am I going to do with you!! You have no compassion for my nerves.

On the contrary. Your nerves have been my closest friends these last twenty years.

AH!

Don't worry, I'm sure there will be lots of other young men.

What's the point of a whole herd of young men if you won't visit them!?

I promise if there is a herd of stampeding men that come into town, I will visit all of them.

To be continued...

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